Me Vs Alien Invaders

New Chapter New Blog

2010-08-19T12:43:00.001-07:00

http://meaola.tumblr.com/

I am going to try out tumblr, might get back to blogspot, but I thought I would try a new format!

Fixed!

2010-07-05T12:20:00.000-07:00

Blog is finally fixed!

However, I think I am going to start a new blog, just to move away from the whole cancer thing. I am anxious to get it behind me, and this blog, while it helped me organized my thoughts, communicate, and keep me sane, is part of that.

So, as soon as I have some time to breath (between tutoring Luis' niece, summer school, and work), I will start up something new, and start moving on.

back home

2010-05-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

I am home and I haven't been this happy and at peace since, well, I was home last time!

We are staying at a beautiful beach house on the Kohala coast, where we have a phenomenal view of the Kohala Mountain and Maui island. Turtles swim in the ocean below the balcony, and you can see flashes of turquoise and yellow from the tropical fish feeding on the coral below.

Last night, Auntie Deena brought all the HPA (my high school), girls down to Mauumae to have a gathering and hula practice before they graduate this Saturday. There was a sharing of Hawaiian food, kalua pig, limu kohu, poi, sweet potato, dried shrimp, each with a special significance to help these girls draw strength from each other and themselves for the transition they are facing. I was invited to join, and it brought me back to being an 18 year old.

My high school is very small (graduating classes are around 70), and most of these girls have been in the same school with each other since kindergarten, so it is always a very raw and emotional experience to say goodbye to each other in this way. Here is a picture of our graduation ceremony, which is the most beautiful high school graduation ceremony in the world.

It was just so magical, sitting on the beach in a circle, with the entire milk way smeared above us, a red crescent moon, shooting stars, torches flickering on the perimeter, and all the love and aloha that this woman Auntie Deena brings. Honestly, she is one of the most phenomenal people I have ever met. She can meet you and in two seconds make you feel like you are the most special amazing person on the face of this planet and you have just blessed her life, when in fact, it is the other way around!

I went to bed at midnight, and got up at 5:30am to run along the coast. The sun rose over the kohala mountain, and I jogged past the sacred heiau (Hawaiian temple), along the beach, and along pathways through the lava rock. It was a refreshing and cleansing run.

As soon as I returned, my husband and I jumped on our stand up paddle boards and explored the coastline. It is only 10am and my day has been perfect.

I will post pics as soon as I can get them onto my computer! You have to see it to believe how turquoise the water is.

Finals and The Big C

2010-05-11T22:01:00.001-07:00

One more final to go . . .I haven't slept in so long I don't think I remember how to fall asleep anymore.

But I am too tired to study. Drinking a beer. Yeah, I know, that is REALLY gonna help my statistics exam that I am going to take in exactly 8 hours. The one I haven't started studying for because I was so so behind one homework, that is actually what I did all day.

Sharing a new show on Showtime (which I don't have) with Laura Linney about a woman who gets a cancer diagnosis and then makes some changes since she has only a year to live. It will debut this fall.

Not sure how a I feel about it. I have problems with movies and shows about cancer, like My Sister's Keeper and that ilk. I don't like them because it allows people who don't have cancer the luxury to jump into our world for an hour or so, pretend they know what it feels like to go through the emotional upheaval of really honestly being scared that you are going to die and leave everyone behind in an emotional ruin, and then they get dry their eyes, and turn off the TV and go back out to their cancer free life.

Maybe I am just jealous.

2010-04-27T16:28:00.001-07:00

Okay, no more God stuff, I promise. I just told someone last week that I had cancer, and they next question they asked me was, "Do you know the Lord?" I love Texas :)

I have been sick. Neecy came over the other weekend, coughed in my face (when I had her, she ALWAYS covered her mouth! Arg!), and now I have laryngitis or some crap where I have halfway coughed up a lung and I have no voice.

I completely avoided the hospital, which I am VERY proud of. If you get a temperature over 99.6 as a chemo patient it is the FIRST place you go because they don't want you to die of a cold (remember, we have no WBC for phagocytosis (see, my Biology class is coming in handy!) and therefore have no immune system. So you get a cold, and I get pnuemonia type thing. And once you go to the hospital, you have to stay there 24 hours which ends up being like 2k which I have to pay 20% and THAT IS NOT HAPPENING BEFORE MY TRIP TO HAWAII! I wanna be able to swipe my mastercard at Kona Brew Pup baby! And Atillas (aka Harbor House)! And Costco!

My fever went up to 101.5 (eek!), but totally cool, it broke on Sunday morning and all I got was a script for levaquin when I called the doc on Monday. I know I could have called the doctor and just gotten a perscription for antibiotics earlier, but I didn't want to LIE, cause I knew they would ask if I had a fever. So it was better not to call, that way I didn't have to lie.

Luis is probably stoked since this is the first time I have shut up for three days straight since he has known me. I try to whisper at him, but that gets annoying for both of us, so basically all my thoughts bubble around my head with nowhere to go. I didn't realize how much I needed Luis as a sounding board for my internal monologue (that really isn't so internal, is it?). No wonder I call my Mom 4000 times a day. It isn't really to tell her anything, just bounce thoughts off of her. We do it as a family, which can be disorienting.

I remember when I took Luis to meet everyone all together in California for the first time (before we were united in matrimony) and I remember him needing to walk around outside with me and just BE AWAY from all the talking, the brainstorming, the feedback, the barrage of information and fluff that we just throw at each other without thinking.

Anyway, without chat and facebook I would really be suffering right now, but at least my iPhone and computer have offered some form of interaction that does not require vocal chords.

I have my first treatment without chemotherapy tomorrow. Now I am just going to wait for my dear husband to come home (I have infected him with Neecy's disease) and tend to my man as he tended to me these past few days.

OMG

2010-04-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

My final chemotherapy was today!

Eyelashes and eyebrows are coming back!

I still have two more years of infusion treatments, and perhaps 5 more years of hormonal treatments if I decide to take tamoxifen, but chemotherapy is over.

I would like to address the subject of God.

I have met so many people, and received so many messages, about praying to God. In fact, many people can't believe I am so upbeat and positive and don't have God in my life. I received amazing gifts, rosaries, books, pictures of the Virgin of Guadeloupe; I cherish all of them because they mean so much to the people that gave them to me, and therefore have value to me.

I believe in "God," or at least something out there way bigger than us. I will use "God" as sort of the catch-all phrase for belief in a higher power.

I have a very non-traditional view of religion. I think humans are like ants. We see ants going about their lives, making babies, serving their queen, etc etc, but we don't expect ants to understand our problems about our cheating husbands, our kids with learning disabilities, wars, plagues, earthquakes, famine. We just know that ants can't wrap their minds around those concepts. Even if the ants wanted to, they couldn't.

And that is how I characterize our relationship with God. We are ants. There is something so much bigger than what is going on around us, that there is no way, no possible way, no matter how much I tried, I could wrap my tiny little brain around what is really going on out there in the metaphysical world. I just don't think we humans are near enough to god to understand.

Nor do I think it matters. I don't think God cares whether or not humans believe in him or not, or how they worship him. He has bigger fish to fry. His livelyhood doesn't depend on us. He would be in trouble if it did. Do I sincerely care if the ant comprehends Obama's health care bill or the earthquake in Haiti? Do those bigger issues affect the ant's life? No.

Do I have any evidence for this? No. But it is the view of God that I have constructed for myself, and it is just as valid as any religion. And just because there are only a few people that believe this, while millions believe in the Catholic or Muslim brand of religion, doesn't make mine less valid. Numbers do not translate to validity. I have just as much proof as you, i.e, no proof at all.

So I have LOTS of people telling my to pray to God. I sincerely think "God" (for simplicity's sake, we'll just keep calling him that), doesn't care if I have cancer or not.

He has WAY bigger shit to worry about. Like do you care if a bug in your yard has cancer? I mean, I suppose if you stopped your busy day to think about it, you would probably prefer that they beetle, spider, or cockroach, doesn't have cancer, but you aren't going to loose any sleep over it.

But I don't mind engaging those who are of the belief that prayer to God will make my cancer go away and never come back. So let's go!

Assumption 1: God is in control. If God were not in control, no point in telling me to pray because that means God has no affect on my cancer, because he is not in control. So, again, God controls all! ( Leaving the Devil out here, since I think the idea of the devil is just RIDICULOUS. )

So if God is in control, God gave me cancer in the first place, right? Or he let it happen, or whatever. Point is, the lord giveth, the lord taketh away. God is in control = God gave me cancer.

So if God gave it me cancer, there are two possibilities: there either is a reason for God to give me cancer, or there is no reason for God to give me cancer.

Let's deal with the latter first. If there is no reason, then me praying isn't going to do any good. God had his quota of 2,000 people to get cancer on January 14, 2009, my name popped up on the cancer lottery, and boom, my cells started multiplying out of control. Totally random Godness action.

If God gave me cancer for a reason (facing adversity, being an inspiration to my mom, etc), then me praying shouldn't have anything to do with cancer being treated and dealt with.

Unless you think that God gave me cancer so I could learn to pray to him (yes, I can feel you all nodding in agreement).

Definition of extort: wrest from an unwilling person by physical force, menace, duress, torture, or any undue or illegal exercise of power or ingenuity

That is extortion, pure and simple. In this hypothetical, God is EXTORTING me. He is doing something bad to me, until I worship him sufficiently, and then he will make me better. That is such a human thing to do, and a total projection of our weak characters onto God. God would not extort (well, maybe Old Testament God would). If God is extorting me, he can kill me right now because I don't want to play games with a mafia boss.

So anyway, that is why I don't pray to God. Under the assumption that God exists, praying to God just doesn't make sense. Unless you don't mind being extorted. Which I do.

I do think positively, I do think about how wonderful life is and all I cherish, I do hope. I have done everything in my power to change my lifestyle to an anti-cancer lifestyle. But I don't pray to God.

Note: I am not writing this post to start a discussion. I am writing this post to clarify my view point. Getting into a God discussion is going to be a big waste of time for me and you. However, after a year of receiving so many emails about how I need to pray, I thought you might be interested in my view point.

Hullo out there!

2010-04-15T01:44:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy I can't believe it has been a month and a half. I have 948 (granted, most junk, but I still need to sort) emails in my hotmail box and about 60 in gmail, and tons in FB, so I am SO SO SO SO SO sorry for not being better at communicating when all of you, especially when it is all of you who lift me up and keep me going when I am so fricking tired and frustrated and ugly looking/feeling.

Quick update on everything:

School: Swamped. Two sciences with labs and an online (basically, teach yourself) statistics was a lot to take on during a semester with radiation, chemo, and a job (yes! I got one, more on that later). Still getting As in everything, planning on summer school, and looking forward to more self-enrichment!

Job: I am now working at a company called PhotoStat which copies medical records for various clinics and hospitals. I am working 20 hours a week. I hope that as soon as I get back from Hawaii I will be able to dip my feet into their sales team too! I am also going to work for the US census. They need Spanish speakers and it pays almost $20 an hour. I can do it in the evenings and on weekends, so it is totally flexible. So hopefully I can start paying all the medical bills that are rolling in. If you ever get cancer, try to keep all the fun and exciting chemo and surgery within a calendar year so you can hit your out-of-pocket just once, not twice. Paying 20% of everything like radiation and chemo sucks!

Health: Luis and I got a scare last week when the Khanny baby called with my PET scan results and I was told that there was something on my lung. Eeek! He said it could be radiation damage, but they needed at CT scan. Scared the poop out of me, but it ended up being pneumonic inflammation (lots of fluid in my lung), so in addition to 3rd degree burns my radiation treatment also f'ed up my lungs. It will get better, but radiation damage to vital organs is not on many people's "Thing to Experience" List.

Now this is the BIG health news: My last chemo treatment is going to be next week Wednesday!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to get my hair back! My nails back! My periods back (I can't believe I am WISHING for that one, girls, but I am!!)!!!

Now, for the next two years every two weeks I will have monoclonal antibody treatmens of Herceptin and and angiogenesis inhibitor Avastin, which almost as bad as chemo because your body doesn't heal and blood randomly gushes out your nose in the most horrible places (romantic dinners with your husband, while you are holding children with both hands, after eating hot foods, etc), BUT it isn't chemotherapy.

Okay, it is after 4am and I have a HUGE bio test manana, but i wanted to say hi, tell you all I am so sorry for being out of contact, and come next month, I am going to be much better at responding at emails. Love you all. Life is wonderful. Thank you for being there for me even when it seems I have disappeared into the ether.

He's there . . inside your mind

2010-03-09T17:12:00.000-08:00

I went to the radiologist today with my chest burning from the pain. I have to keep the burns very wet slathered in cream, otherwise the skin tightens and pops and then I get rivulets of blood running down into my stomach. Verdict by my nurse practitioner, as the doc is useless. Postponement of radiation and chemo for another week. Happy, but not ecstatic about extending my treatment further into the future.

They look at my chest, gasp, say, “Oh my god,” and then they tell me that this is normal. I know it isn’t. 2 weeks of radiation postponement is NOT normal. You aren’t even supposed to miss a day. Luckily it is at the end, and I know for a fact that if I am this sore, then the radiation probably got any stray cells that were biding their time, waiting for the chemo to finish before they began multiplying again.

But on to fun things!

Carla took me out to see Phantom of the Opera. It was wonderful. We had a girl’s brunch with bottomless mimosas. I was so zonked on the vicodin that I could barely hold a conversation, and didn’t partake. Then we drove to Fair Park, where Phantom was being held and it was so magical. Carla got seats in row C. ROW C! I could see the actors so well, and it was a much different experience than seeing it from the balcony (not Box 5), where I have been every other time.

I came home and an hour later our friends popped by for the Oscars. It was a great group of moviephiles. Usually I go to an Oscar party and I can’t hear anything cause everyone is talking and no one actually cares. But this one EVERYONE cared! It was fabulous. We had a pot, filled out ballots, and Renata walked away with all our money.

I am desperately trying to catch up on homework since last week I was out because of my painkillers. But American Idol is on tonight . . . . so not sure how productive I am gonna be

owee!

2010-03-05T12:33:00.000-08:00

It really does feel like someone has poured boiling oil all over my skin. There are several large patches, maybe the size of a deck of cards where my skin has pealed away and left very new raw skin open to the exposed air. It hurts so much I can't wear any clothes without pain, and I have to keep the blistered areas covered with burn cream.

When I took my cats to the vet today for their rabies vaccinations, Pistachio decided to climb my chest to avoid the anal thermometer (can't blame him!). It hurt, but I didn't realize how bad it was until this big blood rose bloomed on my chest from where his nails scratched my raw skin. So I got home, tried to continue functioning on 3 super Tylenol, but I had to give up and go to the big V to numb the pain. It almost makes me cry, and trust me, I haven't cried because of pain in, well, I don't know how long. Long time.

I have so much to study, but I have to be on vicodin the whole time, and I simply can't retain or memorize information on it. It is quite frustrating. It took me 3 hours just to get through 10 pages of stats. So I try to do Tylenol during the day, but the pain is unmerciful, and I just can't. So my studies are going down the toilet.

I have people here cleaning the house, because I hate doing housework when I fell perfectly well, let alone when everything burns and I want to hit people and break things to deal with this. And there is something just wonderful about having professionals clean your house. It is like getting someone who is really good at ironing to iron your shirts. They can do a better job in three minutes than you could ever do in like 20 minutes of ironing the same shirt. Luis thinks it is a waste of money, but the idea of mopping my floors, scrubbing toilets, cleaning the base boards, dusting on top of all the cabinets, fridges, sills, and everything makes my stomach turn.

Okay, I am blabbing right now. I have a million things to do on my to-do list, and no ability to concentrate on any of them, so I think I am going to work on my family tree :)

Family Tree and Sucky Radiologists

2010-03-03T16:44:00.000-08:00

I have become obsessed with my family tree. I don't know if it is the whole dying thing, but I really want to know where I fit in the the grand scheme of things. Getting down my family tree has been a really interesting and soothing way to place myself in history. I am using a great free online software called www.myheritage.com. I tried out several, and this was the most modern, most options and the easiest to use.

I have really only added my grandfather's side and I have 155 people so far going back 4 generations to Augustino Mecca, born in Italy in 1864. These Italians procreated like rabbits, which accounts for the amount of people with only four generations. And this is as far as it goes! We don't have much info passed that mid 1800's. So I think once I have everyone down, I might have to do some archive sleuthing! Fabulous excuse to go to Europe, don't you think?

Luis' family is going to be a madhouse, because even Luis mom doesn't remember birth dates for everyone because again, Catholic = lots of people and Puerto Rico = not the greatest record keeping. I guess that is what happens when you have 17 brothers and sisters;) Saving them until summer. Gonna get the American/Italians/German's down first.

Health Stuff

My blistering has caused my docs to postpone both my chemo and my radiation. ARG! But I need to heal, and trust me, it doesn't feel great, so I accept their opinion that I need to wait. I hate missing chemo when I take my pre-steroids because I just pumped by body full of really bad stuff for nothing.

I have learned a lot about radiologists during this month and I am not too impressed by my doctor so far.

Radiology is a GREAT field for doctors that suck at being people people. Their patient contact is minimal because the people that actually administer the radiation are the dosologist and the radiotherapists. I see the nurse practitioners every day, and they are wonderful, but my radiologist doesn't explain anything, and just checks my skin once a week for about 30 seconds.

So basically, since radiologists just see their patients once a week, they can make lots of money by serving patients in 3 or 4 clinics during the week, and going to one clinic each day. Most regular doctors work in 1, but radiologists can bounce from clinic to clinic, since their nurse practitioner, dosologist, and radiotherapists are doing all the work for them. Now, granted, the work is just running a computer program and the machine creates the gamma ray output, it doesn't take much skill, but radiology can be big money cause so many patients can be seen by one person. Here is a NYT article about it.

So this weekend, as most of you know from my griping, was pretty painful. I had radiotherapy on Monday, which was my last session for the entire chest area. I also had it Tuesday, which was the first of five treatments around the surgical scar. My radiologist who doesn't usually come into the radiation room, came in before my treatment on Tuesday to make sure that the radiation to the incision area was lined up. Therefore, he had to look at my chest, and he did, but only for about 15 seconds, and then he turned around and left without really saying anything (he nodded to the radiotherapist).

Tuesday is also the day that I see him at an appointment. I first see the nurse practitioner, who gasped, and said that we need to postpone treatment, that I needed to be on antibiotics until my wounds closed up, and that I needed burn cream, and needed all of this today. Then the radiologist waltzes in, she tells him my treatment plan, and he agrees. Which is fine, but HE SAW MY OOZY NASTY CHEST 15 minutes before that. Didn't that set off any alarm bells? Why did he let me get treated and then 15 minutes later say the damage was serious enough that I needed to take a week off? I don't think he looked at all, to be honest. He is just in his own world.

So lessons learned. 1) Make sure you see a radiologist that examines you BEFORE you get radiated, not after. 2) Make sure you get a radiologist that is a people person and actually enjoys patients 3) Make sure you get a radiologist that isn't jumping back and forth between 3 clinics and is super busy.

At first I though the Medicare regulation was too strict, and now I know it is necessary. The NYT article is really interesting. I hope you enjoy it.

Bad Mood!

2010-02-27T20:33:00.000-08:00

I just woke up and I am hurting! These past couple days have been rough. Not mentally, as many of you must be imagining. I don’t really grapple with the “OMG-I-have-cancer-I-might-die thing anymore.” Don’t get me wrong, it is always there in the back of my head, but it is something I have gotten used to, shut out. It is sort of like families living in some war torn area of the world. You know that every day you send your child off to school you might not see them again. You can never forget it, but you put it out of your mind, so you can be sane.

So what has been so difficult? Radiation! I had gone 4.5 weeks with nothing but a light burn, and BAM! This week it KICKED MY BUTT. My skin, a shade of angry crimson, started blistering and popping. Every time one blister pops and the air hits it, I have this searing pain that makes me want to smash my fist through a window. But rather than healing up and toughing up, it just doesn’t happen. I don’t know why! Chemo? Just the nature of radiation burns?

Here is what my skin looks like, but, this is obviously not me.

So skin all around my chest and under my arm (which is not reddish, but black brown, so nasty), just cracking and oozing blood. Radiation burns feel like you have little glass shards in your skin that you can’t get out. So of course, I haven’t had one moment to go get my Vicodin prescription filled until 3pm this afternoon (I think I need a secretary). I agreed to baby-sit my cousin, Roshad, this morning, which was a bad idea. You can’t properly pick up and take care of a baby when your chest is in so much pain.

After I dropped him off at his grandmother’s house, I went to Costco on a Saturday to get my pain medication, and anyone that knows me, knows that Costco Saturdays are my own private version of hell. I had to park a quarter of a mile away, everyone just kind of camped in the aisles with their families not moving, and I still can’t figure out how people don’t know how to use the self-checkouts. The lady in my lane would scan her item, and then ring the help button so the guy would come and push continue for her so she could scan the next item. I almost stepped up to do it for her, but then I just breathed deeply and went to my happy place.

I survived :) Got home, napped for two hours, and ate some shrimp and Israeli couscous (my husband is on a mission to keep me well fed). On my doorstep was an Argentinean Pinot Noir that my aunt Michele dropped off, and as soon as I am not so highly medicated, I plan to try it. And then my girlfriend Carla bought me a ticket to see Phantom of the Opera, which was her first love and mine too!

Ahh, vicodin is now kicking in . . . .lovely lovely lovely. The tension is draining from my shoulders. Going to watch Tuesday’s episode of Lost and hope that Sawyer takes his shirt off at some point J Happy Saturday everyone!!!

The Big 10

2010-02-22T07:00:00.000-08:00

10 more chemo sessions and 10 more radiation sessions. My radiated chest and armpit are starting to hurt. My skin burned, not red, not a nice honey brown, but this weird brownish-black color. I can't wear any type of bra, even the camisoles with the elastic bra shelf bother me. As if I needed an excuse not to wear a bra, it is one of the lovely things about having small boobs, or well, boob in my case.

I have been really focusing on exercising, and have actually brought myself up to a 6 mile run on Saturday! This is at a snail pace with tons of walk breaks, but it is actually wonderful. I ran outside on a path through Dallas that leads to White Rock Lake. The only frustrating this is that I have to run with a huge wad of Kleenex because tears POUR down my cheeks. I can soak through one kleenex and make it completely unusable in 20 minutes outside, so I went through 7 Kleenex, which is really annoying. Running in the gym, which isn't as pretty or as much fun, is actually a lot less frustrating because I don't look like a sobbing, emotional runner to everyone else on the path.

Something has happened recently, and I think it must be due to the radiation, but I have completely lost interest in food. I don't even feel like snacking. Not on anything healthy, not any junk food, just don't feel like eating at all. My attitude toward food is like in the movie, The Matrix. Those who got out of it could only eat this blah oatmeal stuff for sustenance.

To me, all food is that boring oatmeal stuff. If it weren't for my husband, I would not eat at all. He made the most yummy dish, polenta towers with tomato, eggplant, and shitake mushrooms, and it was only so so for me.

Until your appetite is gone for long periods, you have no idea what a wonderful feeling it is to be starving and then eat something delicious! I miss that.

Okay, enough griping!

Two more exams this week, stats and Chemistry. I have to remember the entire electron configuration for all elements, including the exceptions like copper and chromium. Betcha didn't even know those guys were exceptions, huh?

Creams and Bread

2010-02-06T15:53:00.001-08:00

Haven't been blogging because I have been so dang busy!

I really wanted to take a microbiology course and an organic chemistry course so I could figure out what was going on in my body. Turns out you can't jump into those courses, there are several prerequisites, so I am taking Bio for science majors and General Chemistry, and LOVING IT! Now it has only been a couple weeks, so we are still in the "easy" phase. But I get to go to a lab and do experiments and play with chemicals. I haven't done that since I was 16!

It is a little strange to be in class with people who were born in the 90s and who brag to each other about doing the homework ahead of time, but community college is community college, and it is cheap and close to home.

I might take the courses that really interest me at SMU later, but if I have to choose between paying $400 a course or $150, I am not stupid.

I applied for a marketing position with the university that is part time, so cross your fingers and think good thoughts! If I got that it would be a DREAM come true. It is only two miles from home, exactly what I got my graduate degree in, and I think it would be a fun environment where I could bring a lot to the table!

Radiation has been a breeze so far. It is 15 minutes every day though, and it is getting boring. I have 33 treatments total, and I have completed 13. I haven't had a bad sunburn or anything yet, although sometimes right after it is a little sore to the touch. By the next morning it has disappeared. Here is what the setup looks like.

I am slathering cream on myself like crazy because I have heard horror stories directly from people whose skin is cracked and oozing and just ravaged from the radiation. I use calendula cream, which was recommended to me by another woman who had been through radiation, and Xclair. This cream is ridiculously expensive (the sample below costs $70) so my wonderful radiation nurse hooked me up with a thousand packets of it, so I slather it on like I am a millionaire! It is great, I even use what is left over on my face, and it feels like a baby's behind.

My nosebleeds have pretty much stopped, but tears are still STREAMING out of my eyes. Everyone in class pretty much stays away from me since I always have liquids, either blood or tears, pouring out of my face. It is a little freaky, I suppose.

My husband is baking bread and we are going to watch In the Loop until it comes out of the oven and then I will probably eat it all in one sitting. Hot Fresh Bread. Yum.

saturday night

2010-01-16T21:15:00.000-08:00

What is the point of everything we do? Happiness, right? No matter if we want to become a doctor, make a lot of money, loose weight, when we finish asking why is it that we want to do those things, it is to be happy.

Happiness is the one thing everyone wants, the one that that every single person on the planet is working toward. The one thing you have in common with all the other six billion people on the planet. Happiness has been a goal for thousands and thousands of years, yet it still seems to be the most elusive thing in the world for most people I know. Now, I can luckily say, I am very happy, but I bet there is some point in my life where I am not going to feel so happy, and I want to make sure that happens as little as possible.

So I am going to study happiness. I have already read some brilliant books on the subject by several positive psychologists, and some of the revelations are interesting. I shall share as I absorb!

Christmas holidays in Puerto Rico were great, but I am exhausted from the travel (and having low blood counts). I start radiation on Wednesday (it was supposed to be Monday, but whatever), and I am excited for that portion of my treatment to start and be over. I can see a small pinpoint of light at the end of the tunnel!

I am going to take some classes at the community college. Right now, I am just signed up for a Biology course, but I am going to take a math test on Monday (in between my dentist appointment and my blood work in Mesquite) that will hopefully allow me to enter a chemistry class. I am mostly interested in taking organic chemistry and molecular biology (to get a better handle on WTF happened inside my boob), but I have to take those prerequisites first!

Hubby and Mommy arrive tomorrow, so I am going to get a wonderful nights sleep so I can celebrate with my husband about his getting tenure at the university. For those of you who aren't familiar with the academic world and the "publish or perish" dictum, you can publish and still perish by not publishing enough or in the right journals, and get a nice kick in your pants out of the university where you have toiled 5 or more years of your life and be left jobless. That powers at be looked at my hubby's CV, and rather than giving him the boot they invited him to stay at the university for ever and ever! Job security! I don't have to move! I can make a garden! I can get a dog! I can get a job! Possibilities are now endless. Best thing of all, I have a great excuse to buy a nice pinot and have a glass with my baby.

Am I the only one with "pants on the floor" running circles in their head? Looking like a fool with your pants on the floor, pants on the floor . . .

Latino Christmas

2009-12-27T21:35:00.000-08:00

Christmas has just been lovely.

Christmas Eve was done more in the Latin Tradition. We had a wonderful dinner party for friends that lasted until past midnight where we drank wine and chatted and ate lots of delicious food. Well actually, I ate collard greens, which were not delicious; but everyone else had pork loin cooked in cherry sauce and turkey and cheese and other lovely things that I would have enjoyed greatly in my previous life!

Luis of course wanted to open the presents at 12:01am, which to me is ridiculous. You don't open your presents at 12:01! It totally leaves out Santa! I said maybe you could open up one present that consisted of a set of pajamas the night before, but you couldn't open up everything! You had to go to bed, and Santa had to come, and presents were for the morning!

It's a really hard concept for these crazy Latin people, who don't have Santa. I don't really understand what they have, because they do have presents on Christmas day, but they say that Baby Jesus brings them, which is retarded. How can a baby bring presents? A big fat guy coming down the chimney makes more sense than a three hour old infant, aren't I right?

Luis and I are going to have to really get our stories straight with our unborn children so they aren't traumatized by conflicting Christmas myths.

Anyways, we opened presents, I drank organic chocolate with soy milk, and we enjoyed the snow that had fallen the night before. We slept in, took a nap, and went to bed early. It was lovely and relaxing.

I did get a sexy set of flannel Christmas pajamas from Luis.

it's off to work I go, well, I am trying anyway

2009-12-18T08:21:00.000-08:00

I'm frustrated.

Luis and I decided that in January I would get a part-time. I am taking a course or two at the community college, and the part time would give me some supplemental income and make our house payments easier until the end of April, when I don't have any more doctors appointments.

However, it is much harder than I thought to find a part time job because I have several limiting criteria.

- It can't meet every day. In fact, I can only work 4 days a week because one day I have to dedicate one day to chemo.

- I need at least an hour available during business hours (not during lunch) because I need to get to and from my radiation treatments, which are starting the 18th of January, and will run every day until March.

- I need to not be in a receptionist position or in front of people because my fucking nose starts streaming blood randomly, which slightly freaks people (especially kids) out.

- I need to be in a position where crying all the time isn't a problem.

Which makes it harder than you would think to find something. The obvious answer is, work from home, which would be great. Except that most of the postings are scams, and I have tried to weed through them to find legitimate work from home experiences, and I have turned up zilch.

Considering phone sex, but I heard that unless you can keep the other caller on the line for over two minutes, you really don't get paid very well, and these callers are extremely adept at finishing up before the heavy charges start after two minutes.

Any other ideas?

family weekend!

2009-12-05T12:46:00.000-08:00

I have been to every Lowe's, Sears, Home Depot, everywhere, and I have given up on finding an affordable faux Christmas tree before Christmas. It needs to be faux because I kill plants and my cats eat anything green that is alive. I want a big ass fake tree. because our living room has huge vaulted ceilings, but they are $700! I mean, if you use it for 10 years, considering you will spend $80-$100 each year on a live tree that you will throw away, it not only makes sense for sustainability but also financially, but it is a big blow to the credit card account regardless.

However, I plan on braving the crowds on the 26th and will purchase one on clearance. I love Boxing Day sales! I prefer them to black Friday because there is less people and items are usually more steeply discounted because the store really needs to move inventory.

Chemo has totally destroyed my taste buds, and nothing tastes good anymore. It doesn't taste bad, mind you, but that joy that you get from eating something really delicious isn't really something I can get anymore. I can get satisfaction from hunger, but eating a delicious lasagna is about the same as eating a saltine cracker. It is just food.

I wonder if that is something that can help people trying to diet or not eat so much. Some sort of pill that takes all the chemical rush you get from eating a juicy hamburger and Micky D's fries. So you eat if you are hungry, but that pleasure center in your brain is not stimulated.

My Uncle had his 50th birthday bash last night, and we went to his house today for brunch. Here is a photo of me holding my little cousin Finnley, (she has a twin brother).

Happy Holidays!

2009-12-02T03:22:00.000-08:00

November has just been a crazy month for me, and it has been so difficult to just get on the computer and collect my thoughts. This has to be one of the best months of my year, however. After Japan, I had friends visit me for the first time (besides Lexie to help me out post-surgery) and we had such a wonderful time. My brother-in-law (it still weirds me out to think I have in-laws!) also visited and we had a great time sitting around cooking and eating and talking. Chase and Amanda used to work with me/for me at Meltwater in Washington DC, so we had plenty to catch up on as I really hadn't seen them since I was married.

After Japan in the beginning of the month, we had a huge family trip to Santa Barbara to wine country and that was PHENOMENAL. The first four days was just wine and food with family, and then Friday night and Saturday morning all my wonderful friends drove hours in to see me and hang out. I got to meet their significant others, who were beautiful smart and good looking people that were so much fun to be with.

I got horribly drunk (I can't even remember the last time I was that drunk), but other than a bottle of spilled wine, and a very foggy game of Never Have I Ever, which is never a good game to play with spouses or significant others around because they get all pissed off (never gotten through that game with a boyfriend around without a serious talk the day after), I think I made it through unscathed. A Much better idea would have been Fu** Date Kill, which is a fabulous game that usually doesn't piss people off (since the participants cannot be named during the game).

I learned a new party game called Celebrity, from my friend Joaquin, which was wonderful! You need to be sober, as I tried to get everyone to guess William Shatner by strumming on a guitar. I know what you are thinking, WTF? There is a twisted logic, as the first thing that flew into my head was his perforamnce of Rocket Man in the 1970s. So that is what I went with. I checked on YouTube however, and he didn't even play the guitar when he sang (prosed?) it. Needless to say, no one got it, and I moved on.

So goal in the next three days is to Christmatize (new word) my house. Very exited to pull all the Martha Stewart magazines out, play Christmas music, drink hot tea, and bring the season to my little shack.

Back from Japan

2009-11-13T03:57:00.001-08:00

Japan was just wonderful in every way. The best trip. I wish I could have stayed longer, but our pocketbooks think that 5 days in Tokyo, the fifth most expensive city on planet Earth, is just about right. My closest friends from college came, and it was so wonderful being with friends that I have known for over a decade!

Ellie's wedding was phenomenal. She had a Shinto ceremony, which is usually only attended by immediate family members, but all the foreigners that flew in for the wedding, were also allowed to witness the ceremony, which was a once and a life time opportunity. In addition to exchanging sake to signify the union, Ellie also exchanged wedding rings with Eichi.

We were then escorted to a fabulous hall where we had an amazing meal and listened to tons of speeches in Japanese, including one by a haole (Swedish, to be specific) guy who had gone native and spoke Japanese superbly. Even the Japanese people in the audience were shocked at his fluency.

Besides the wedding, Luis and I spent most of the time visiting with Ellie and Eichi and visiting friends. The only touristy thing we did was visit Tsukiji, the largest wholesale fish market in the world. The pre-dawn auction was closed to tourists this year because of hygiene reasons and the fact that flash photography distracted and hid the hand signals from those trying to buy fish. Even so, the visit was impressive.

To be honest, I had a very averse reaction to the market. I have never seen so much dead fish in my life. And I didn't like being surrounded by so much death. No matter what you think about fish, they are animals, and seeing so many dead and butchered animals was obscene. I am not sure if it the cancer, or what, but it wasn't pleasant, and I was really happy to leave the market.

I have been recently paying a lot of attention to the overfishing that is occurring and trying to eat more sustainably (although I avoid dairy, eggs, and land animal meat, and am eating fish once or twice a week). Time magazine (the latest issue with Secretary Clinton on the cover) actually has a long article on the overfishing of the blue fin tuna, whose population is down 90%. The whole point is, eating many fish is the exact same thing as driving a hummer, but no one sees it that way because everyone does it.

Sushi used to be something that was just eaten on special occasions, but for many it is now a weekly or daily meal. It is quite easy to avoid the wrong types of fish with Seafood Watch, a great application on the eye phone that tells you what to avoid and why.

It is harder than I thought, and when I went to the local market the only fish that was in my price range and was a sustainable choice was catfish. Please ask your supermarket or your sushi chef where the fish comes from if it isn't listed. Trust me, someone places those orders and they no EXACTLY where it is caught. It is super easy to check online and see which is the most sustainable sushi to eat if you are a fantastic and can't go without.

NIPPON KOKUSAI!

2009-11-04T21:32:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is gonna be short because I need to be up in 5 hours to get ready to go to Tokyo!

Major achievement for the Day: Clear PET Scan! YAY! I am still in remission!

Going to Japan! Going off my vegan diet and gonna eat lots of raw tuna, kobe beef, and whatever else the country wants to dish up! SHRIMP TEMPURA! NOODLES! All Luis and I plan to do on this vacation is eat and watch the Elster get hitched. No sightseeing or boring castles (Japan's castles are pretty lame anyways cause they all burned down every century or so and had to be rebuilt).

Okay, so I am on my third glass of wine (celebration was in order, don't you think), so no deep thoughts. I just bought like 10 apps to keep me occupied on the plane, including a Japanese dictionary because my Japanese sucks-o mucho.

Hulas are prepped and ready! Oh, yea, I am dancing 2 hulas at Ellie's wedding. I forced her to go to every Hawaii Club Luau at Georgetown, so she actually picked the song Henehene kou `aka (super fun for a wedding) and I chose Wahine ilikea because I danced it at my wedding and Ellie has really white skin(the title means Woman with the White Skin) now that she is in Japan and not subject to college trips to Cancun and other beach locales.

Okay enough rambling! Will update from Japan or when I get back!

Big in Japan!

2009-10-30T03:33:00.000-07:00

I am growing hair. I walked into Lowe's the other day (as a new homeowner, I actually walk into Lowe's pretty much every day), and one of the greeters said, I love your haircut! She was African American, and had the same hair length as me, very cropped close to the skin, so actually, what she was saying was, "I love my own haircut," but I enjoyed her self-compliment anyway.

It now looks like I cut my hair to this length, rather than having it styled by a strict chemotherapy regime. Which is pretty great as temperatures nosedive around here in Texas. Some are a bit grey now, but I am hoping that those fall out and I get some pigment back. At what age to most girls start dying their hair because of they grey anyway?

Hair is growing back in other places too, and I am finally using the razor that Luis' mom gave me for Christmas last year. As I was diagnosed immediately in January when I returned from Puerto Rico and I had lost all hair by mid-February, my Christmas gift didn't get any use this year.

I might be able to combine radiation treatments with my chemotherapy regime. Apparently, some chemos actually enhance the radiation effects, or don't diminish it, so I will be able to multi-task on my cancer therapy and maybe really finish in April.

I have a November 4th PET scan coming, and will get the results when I return from Japan to see my best friend and roommate from college get married on the 10th. Luis and I have decided not to travel outside of Tokyo, but go on a full Japanese food fest to find the best ramen hole-in-the-wall and the best tempura bar. I am planning to go to the fish market and have sushi for breakfast after perusing the craziness of fish hawkers in Japan at 5:30 in the morning.

On the non-health front, Luis has gotten an iPhone. He doesn't have a clue how to use it yet, but he has the iPhone, which is a huge step! He isn't technologically unsavvy or anything, he is much better at using film editing software for example, but to be able to email and search on google maps on the road is a priceless tool for him!

Annie Brown, one of my closest friends from high school, are going to take part in NaNoWriMo this year. I am blogging about it so I do it, rather than giving up after the first week, which is what I have done since 2003. NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month, and the goal is to write 3000 words a day of the novel that every person has inside of them. It emphasizes quantity over quality, as most people never try to write it because they are waiting for that perfect moment or time in their life, or to have a detailed outline, or whatever.

I have several ideas, but I am too shy to put them out there until I at least pick one, but I will link to the page and summary once I get some words out there. I actually think it is going to be total crap, because I know from experience I am a great reader, but not a great writer. But again, I am baring it to the public so that I am kept accountable for my goal. My only hiccup is that I go to Japan for 5 days of NaNoWriMo, so that is 15000 words that need to be made up on other days.

Steroids are keeping me up like crazy. I went to bed at 1:30 am on a heavy dose of Benedryl, and now I am up again at 5:30am. Plenty to do though. Blogging, journaling on Penzu, paying off my mounting credit card debt somehow, cleaning the fridge, setting up my office, making the bookshelves look nice instead of just crammed with books, etc. I am also studying for the GRE (which I have been studying for since 2004 when I realized working sucked and all I wanted to be was a student). It is kind of fun learning all the math skills again. I don't really want to go to grad school now, but the scores are good for 5 years, so I thought I ought to take the time.

Okay, tea water is boiling. Actually, I can't drink tea anymore because it gives me heartburn, but I am going to have some yummy hot water in a mug. As soon as the bookshelves are put together I will post some before after pics of our house now that it is painted and set up!

Proselytizing Happiness

2009-10-22T05:11:00.000-07:00

We had our first dinner guest last night! It was great, the house is ALMOST orderly. We still need to have a housewarming party, but we need to install handles on our kitchen cabinets, and I still need to go to Ikea to exchange some lights so we can install them and bolt our bookshelves to the wall.

Cancer stuff is not exciting. I am going to go to a Survivor Party this evening held by my breast surgeon. Tripple chemo whammy today with all three treatments that I am getting. And next week I am going to attend a presentation put on by the head of Oncology at Georgetown University Hospital.

From meeting a variety of women with breast cancer, it seems that there are two paths to dealing with the disease. You either try to get ALL in info you can, stay on top of treatments, new clinical trial results, know all the dosages for the medicines you receive, and attend colloquiums or conferences. Or, you don't delve deeply into anything, don't seek out second opinions, and are just anxious to lodge the experience firmly in the past. It is hard to tell which is better, the first makes me FEEL better, but cancer is personal, and everyone has to do what makes them emotionally able to cope.

This brings me to a lady called Barbara Ehrenreich, and a book called, Bright Sided. She has been in the paper, NPR, and the Daily Show, so I feel that I have heard her arguments fairly thoroughly, and I have to disagree with most of them. She wrote, Nickle and Dimed, one of the best books I have ever read and ought to be REQUIRED READING IN HIGHSCHOOL, so I have so much respect for her.

She be lives that not only does the forced, “smile or die” cheerfulness of the breast cancer culture infantilize women, she argues, it can do them harm, by making them feel guilty for “failing” to heal themselves by staying positive. She hates all this voodoo that just thinking something can make a physical impact in the world, and states (quite rightly), that there is no physical proof by quantum physics or any science to substantiate.

She was diagnosed with breast cancer, and it seems like she had a horrible experience with all the "stay positiveness" that is pushed by the greater breast cancer movement. Breast Cancer Support is one of the most highly organized movements, and they do push their pink fuzziness a lot. I think she got sick of people trying to cheer her up, so she wrote a book basically saying that positivity was a delusion akin to organized religion, and she didn't like being proselytized to.

Which I understand. For instance, I love talking to Kenji, because I can make comments like, "if I die..." without worrying about hurting my family, or eliciting the typical over exaggerated response like,"OH NO! Don't say that! You are going to be fine! You have such a great attitude, you will overcome this." Very few people can hear me say, "If I die.." and take it with the same attitude as if I had said, "If it rains."

That being said, I do not want to begin every sentence or though with a stated or implied,"If I die." I don't want to die in the next five years, although statistically things aren't in my favor, I would prefer to operate as if I was in the minority statistic rather than the majority. So I make plans, talk about kids, bought a house, think about a dog, think about where the future might take my husband and I, etc. While I do appreciate doses of realism, I take small, infrequent doses.

She stated on the radio the other day that she took nothing from breast cancer, and hated all this BS about cancer teaching so much or opening up new doors, etc. She hated this imposition that she was supposed to take something from her experience with breast cancer. I say she is wrong.

She was bitter about getting diagnosed. We all were. But for instance, if my car breaks down and I need to change my tire, I am going to be pissed about it, but in a week I am going to be laughing about it and say, "Thank goodness for my iphone, I sat in my car, watched a YouTube video on how to change a tire, and I changed to spare right on the street without any help!" It would be a opportunity, a learning experience.

For me, and again I reiterate the personal experience of cancer, I have reaped so much from the experience. I spent quality time with my family, I revamped my diet and the way I think about nutrition, I re-prioritized my life, I became closer to my friends, I have discovered an interest in biology and body chemistry. Never would have happened otherwise. If I had a choice, I wouldn't "do it all over again," but I am not going to deny that their was a MAJOR silver living.

The ONLY interesting thing that she brought to my attention was that she alleges that there is no connection between mood and the immune system. I don't know why I am under the impression that there is. I haven't seen empirical data. I feel that I have read it, but it could be just a myth that has been perpetuated, like oranges and Vitamin C, or poisoned Halloween home baked Halloween Cookie treats (yes, that NEVER happened, just an Urban Myth that has caused parents to toss hundreds of thousands of perfectly baked cookies out of Trick or Treat Bags for the last 3 decades). I will explore more and report! Would love to hear any feedback from anyone who has thoughts.

back to blogging!

2009-10-07T15:18:00.000-07:00

Things have just been so hectic. Will bullet point to save time:

1) Luis and I have joined the real adult world and become home owners. We have been looking for a place to live since May, and more seriously since he got his book contract in August, and we found the PERFECT house. Every house we went into, it was all about how we would change it, what walls we would remove, etc, and we walked into this one, and it was perfect. Huge vaulted ceilings, plenty of room for children, offices, guests, a library, and a very contemporary look with lots of light. Luis didn't want to see anything else, and 45 days later, we are moved in!

2) We are painting it. Hector, the painter is here right now. We are going for a rustic look, save the kitchen which will be very "modern" looking. Our appliances are stainless steel, and we are making it look really sharp. We have also purchased a dining room table, which we will pick up next week once everything is painted!

3) Now I can get a dog. What do you think about this guy? He is available in November.

Actually, I am going to wait until after spring break, when I will finally be off chemo, just going in for radiation, and moving on to my post cancer life. Also, the weather will be better for dog walks:) Luis has given me some guidelines since he is acquiescing to a dog. He wants a small dog, because he think it will be less intrusive, but me (and his friend Alberto) are trying to argue that bigger dogs aren't so yippy and annoying. Small or annoying or big and lumbering. I pick the latter. It also has to be a minimal shedder. I can work with that :)

4) Paul, Willem, Luis, Mom, Dad, and I are heading to the Santa Ynez Valley (Sideways wine country) for Thanksgiving break. Lots of wine, and lots of food! If you want to join, visit, or whatever, bring an air mattress and you are most welcome. I think the house has a hottub!

5) Got a second clear CT scan result on Monday. Yay! Because insurance companies only pay for PET scans every four months, and four months of cancer growth is a loooooong time, especially when you have a very aggressive cancer like mine, you get a CT scan every four months, but staggered, so you have some kind of scan every two months. Think summer Olympics and winter olympics :) This is wonderful news, it means the chemo is working. But the real scans to celebrate are when you are no longer on chemo and still getting clear scans, because that means your body is killing the cancer on its own, not the chemotherapy.

6) I am on weekly chemo doses now, because the mega dose every three week was causing too many side effects. I am also on avastin, which causes my nose to bleed about 4 times a day, which is lovely.

7) I am making a desk. Two of them actually, for my office. I have decided to go DIY and learn how to work with wood, etc. Basics. I am not about to rewire the house or do my own plumbing. I managed to glaze the legs today, and are letting them dry. Tomorrow I am planning to make the table tops!

Well, that is my round up! I will be posting more, now that the hecticness level is way down.

big legs and thoughts on friends

2009-09-08T09:58:00.000-07:00

The swelling in my feet got so bad I am going off taxotere and will replace it with another drug this week. I had 10lbs of water weight gain,which is pretty hectic. It always feels like you have sprained ankles. My legs were so full I couldn't even bend them. Today is the first day that I have seen my ankle bones, so I suspect in another month my lower limbs should be back to normal.

The reason why fluid retention is so dangerous is that you can retain fluid around you heart, which is obviously a hazard. Therefore I need to stop. I am bummed about this for several reasons.

Taxotere did not make me want to vomit
I knew what to expect. I have gotten into a chemo rhythm. I know how the treatments will affect me, I know how tired I would get (naps required for 4 days), when my taste buds would get back to normal (the second Sunday after my treatment). Now I have to start that "getting-to-know your side-effects" all over again.
This chemo regime has been working. Will the next one? The only way you find out is if you don't get cancer after a couple months, or you do . . .
I have one less weapon in my arsenal. One less thing that will keep me alive.

I have also been thinking about my friends. Ellie, my best friend from college, is getting married in November, and I am going to Japan for her wedding, so I have been thinking about my friendships over the last decade, and who has stayed in my life throughout that time.

This whole cancer thing has been an eye-opener as to who are my friends and who are people that have fallen into the outer circle, getting closer to the "we used to be friends when we were young" status, and the people that have moved from the "we used to be friends when we were young" to "I know I can count on this person in my present life." This changes happen of course as people move and go onto different chapters in their life. Cancer has just made it more obvious who is who.

I have had a lot of surges of wonderful email correspondences that had been tepid a year ago. People that I have not heard from for years have contacted me and been willing to share their lives with me. It has been wonderful. And I have had visits from people. I mean, if a cancer diagnosis doesn't make your friends want to see you just in case, than nothing will.

This isn't into guilt tripping people into coming to visit me. I am incredibly busy now, about to move, summer is over and people have less time anyway. Luis is working like a madman, and we barely have enough time and energy to socialize with our friends here. I just think it was interesting to see who actually thinks you are worth their precious weekend and a $350 ticket, when you can't offer much else other than your company.

It does sound like a guilt trip, doesn't it? He he he. I don't mean it to be, I think it is just an eye opener. It actually tells me where I am in people's priority list, and most importantly, WHERE THEY SHOULD BE IN MINE.

There is something that I think is the end of all relationships (amorous ones, I mean), and it is called the Gap (not the store). If you love someone more than they love you, or vice versa, there is a Gap, and the relationship is doomed. That difference in love causes a fissure that can cause chaos years down the line although it seems unimportant in present day. It makes people blind to obvious problems that were the relationship regarded equality would never have been allowed to progress.

Friendships aren't affected by that gap as much as relationships. If I like hanging out with you more than you like hanging out with me, our friendship isn't doomed. Might have some misunderstandings or uncomfortable moments coming our way, but it isn't that we can't be friends. But when I tick off my closest friends list, or people that I knew I could call with any problem, just needed to vent or needed a helping hand, this past year has definitely shown me who those people are and who they aren't. And shown me with whom I have a Gap. Informative for me.

So, in my experience, if there is someone that you haven't seen or haven't called, and they are someone you care about or would like to keep in your life, even finding out that they have Stage IV cancer isn't very likely to make you change your behavior. How much effort you will put into that relationship will have to come from within you, not a change in circumstance.

Food for thought. Anyone you think you ought to get in touch with?

my new hale!

2009-09-01T13:49:00.000-07:00

So big huge major news: Luis and I bought a house! I can't tell anyone about it here because we don't want to announce it until after he gets tenure because we don't want to be perceived as cocky by buying a house before his tenure is decided. But since none of the professor folk read my blog (at least I don't think they do), I thought I would say something here because I am just overjoyed!

We will be able to move in at the end of the month! The house is about a 20 minute drive, or 9 miles from SMU. It is the style we want, the price we want (well, a little higher, but oh well), and the yard I want. It is big enough for family to stay, for us to have our own offices/work spaces. It is just lovely!

Healthwise I am doing okay. My feet are really bloated from the chemo. They are okay when I wake up in the morning, but by midday if you look at me from my ankles down you would think I way 250 lbs. My skin on my feet is all dry from being so stretched out. The fluid isn't just in my feet, but in my legs too, so they feel like water balloons when I try to kneel or stretch. It simply isn't very comfortable.

We had lowered my chemo dose by 5% last time, but my swelling didn't get any better. In fact, it got worse. Sigh.

I talked to Kenji, a boy from my class who also got cancer and doesn't have it anymore, yesterday. He just returned from Swaziland from a stint with Doctors without Borders. It is really nice to speak to someone my age who has had cancer, because I can say something like, " . . . in case I die," without getting the typical reaction from non-cancer people, which is, "Oh don't say things like that," or "Well you won't, you are going to beat this thing."

When I say things like, "In case I die," it is never to get reassurance that I won't. Usually it isn't the main point of my conversation at all, but it always ends up being the focus. When I speak with someone who has had cancer, and I say, "blah blah blah, in case I die," they just nod, and understand where I am coming from.

I am keeping myself very entertained. I just watched the movie, "A Guide to Recognizing your Saints." Really good. It has that kid from Transformers (a movie series that I hate), and he is great! He should stick to those kind of movies, not stupid crap for 10 year old boys. It was darker than I wanted (remember, I am trying to keep my aura light and happy and positive), but very very good.

I have three books in my life right now.

One I read during the day, Hitching Rides with Buddha (a travel memoir), which is wonderful and funny and anyone at all who has visited Japan will really understand and love it. The second book that I am reading a night is the third book in the Diana Gabaldon Outlander Series, Voyager (Romance, fantasy). And the book I am listening to is A Most Wanted Man (Terrorism thriller).

I am going to go buy some comp books from CVS and start taking notes. I bought a BIG ASS college level biology text book from Half Price Books, and I want to start reading through it. Anything to get a better handle on what the heck happened inside my body!

Thanksgiving

2009-08-24T17:43:00.001-07:00

I have been diligently exercising. Half an hour of walking, and every other day I do lunges and lift weights (3 pound hand weights). I don't think I have ever been this out of shape in my life, but I did complete my walk today without stopping. Still far from a drunk 26.2 mile run, but, I do have a year.

My family is renting a house in Santa Barbara for the week of Thanksgiving and I am so excited I don't know what to do. Paul, Luis, and I pledged to return each year (we have gone two years in a row), but 2008 we were in Hawaii, and 2009 wasn't exactly my year, so I am so glad we can do it for Thanksgiving.

Last time we went with a bunch of friends, and I want to do everything I can to get a big group to go, but the Santa Ynez wine region doesn't have a lot of big mansions with room for 20 to be rented for less than 6k a week, which is cash that I am not in a position to fork over. So my family has a house there that everyone is welcome to for Thanksgiving evening, and to use it as a general resting spot during the day.

Willem, my other brother, from Thailand is going to be there, and it should be so much fun. Mom is Designated Driver, and we are going to get a van and just hit wineries all week. Yay! And hike. And sit in the jacuzzi. And eat.

So invite is out there for anyone who might want to join. Our house rental is in Los Olivos, but all the towns are close by!

Before and After

2009-08-19T18:30:00.000-07:00

I went to a friend's clothing exchange and scored a really neat hat. It isn't a summer hat, but I wear it anyway because the air conditioning blowing on my head makes me really cold indoors in Texas. It is big enough that I could possibly have a pixie cut under my hat. I like it a lot.

I was leaving Krogers the other day, wearing my hat, a pair of summer shorts, and a loose tee, and the young man who was bringing the carts back from the parking lot to the store stopped as we passed and said, "How are you doing?"

Now, it wasn't a Joey from Friends,"How you doing?" but it wasn't a simple "Hi" either.

I said fine, and chuckled as I reached my car. Had he known that I had one boob hacked off and was completely bald, there is no way in hell he would have asked me how I was in that flirtatious tone. But he didn't know, so he did.

This incident made me reflect a bit on how my interaction with men in general has changed since I have had my surgery and lost my hair.

This is not me, but I don't have a good before and after pic. Just an illustration.

As a 28 year old, albeit a married one, my interactions with men are always laced with a bit of flirtation, and I believe this to be true of all young women.

That doesn't mean that before I was leaning over counters exposing cleavage, or not mentioning my husband, or touching males on their elbow as I talked to them,. Far from! However, there was always a subconscious body language that I was aware of to use to my advantage. This could be to order a drink at a bar, get a better tip, simply get faster service or a bigger scoop of ice cream.

Sometimes I knew that lingering in a conversation, while not any benefit to me, could make someone's day.

It would also affect my interactions with women too. Women expect good looking women to "be" a certain way. There are snap judgments made upon meeting someone (checkout girl, friend of a friend, whatever) that is good looking (we all do it girls). I would need to use my body language, tone of voice, change the stories I chose to tell, smile a lot more, etc, to either reinforce or dissipate what I thought they felt.

Now that my appearance has changed so drastically, I have removed this from the equation. Now I know that men do not find me in the slightest attractive, cute, desirable, or whatever, my interactions are completely different. As attraction (males) or wariness (females) is no longer in the picture, my interactions are actually far more short and to the point, without any game theory or afterthought involved at all.

Now there is other baggage of course that comes with looking skinny, bald, with one tit, and with a scary looking port popping out of my chest, because I don't hide it. I don't feel I flaunt it, but I wear a camisole tank top with a shelf- bra and it is obvious that something is missing. So I need to change my behavior to make people feel comfortable because people do not want to meet your eye, lest they feel as so they are staring.

But anyway, I realized that the other day, and wanted to share.

Computer Time and Goals

2009-08-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

Luis and I are sharing a computer, which is only slightly less annoying than sharing a car. My wonderful father managed to restore my hard drive, but the logic board is still messed up, so I am changing to a Mac Mini and need to get a monitor.

My old Set up:

My New Set Up (well, once it gets here)

Major multitasking possible!

This has limited my ability to get online and really do anything. I am trying to get a job, because I am really frustrated about the lack of money thing. It just doesn't go well with me. I am not a shopper, but I like being able to exercise my whims at the grocery store or half price books. I am looking for a non-stressful job that requires as little thought as possible. Possibly something that will allow me to read the news all day long, which is what I do anyway, except get paid for it.

Now that I am back in Texas and not on vacation mode, I have been able to get back more into watching my diet. When I was at home, I ate pretty much whatever I wanted with arbitrary restrictions (yes to spam musubi, no to cheese). I have gained 10lbs in the last 4 weeks. I thought I could blame my weight gain on the chemo, but it is actually just me stuffing my face that has made my waist tight. Chemo just makes you lazy and less likely to exercise and eat well, not necessarily gain weight by itself.

I know some of you must be thinking, it isn't the time to think about your weight, but it is the time to think about my health, and 12lbs in 4 weeks is NOT healthy. 127 lbs was a bit low for me, but if I can hover around 135, that still keeps my thights slightly dimply and my shoulders soft, but not out of control.

I have read something that exercise reduced cancer recurrence by 60%! That is the same as taking herceptin. So now that I am back in Texas I have started waking each morning for 30 minutes. I get TIRED! It is amazing, I used to elliptical machine for 45 minutes without breathing hard, and now I can't walk 2 miles without stopping to take a breather.

It helps to have a goal though. A girlfriend from high school and I are planning (in a year!) to do the Marathon du Médoc, which is a marathon through the Bordeaux region in France. There are refreshment stations every 3-4 kilometers, with wine and foie gras, rather than gatorade and bananas.

I will have to go from the ability to a 2-mile walk to running 26.2 miles drunk in about a year, but it is a fun goal to shoot for!

White Cells Attack!

2009-08-13T15:39:00.000-07:00

Traveling has sapped most of my energy, and who wants to spend time on a computer in Hawaii, but I am back in Dallas and need to start pouring out my thoughts online.

I went camping with a girlfriend my last weekend in Hawaii, and her sister mentioned positive visualization. I made a point to do this a lot when I was first diagnosed, but when it didn't work (according to the PET scan), I stopped. I realize I need to pick it up again.

For those of you who actually want to know what it looks like when your immune system attacks a cancer cell, here you go!

Watch the yellow arrow on this video which points out where a type of white blood cell called a granulocyte is killing cervical cancer cells.

Okay, got a big dose of chemo today and I am COMPLETELY jetlagged, so on to more passive internet activities!

A beautiful dance

2009-07-24T17:50:00.000-07:00

Nolo, Luis's brother, passed this video on to me. I don't watch So You Think You Can Dance, but this show is worth it.

On Wednesday's episode of "So You Think You Can Dance," contestants Ade and Melissa performed a contemporary routine inspired by breast cancer to Maxwell's cover of Kate Bush's "This Woman's Work."

Before the performance, choreographer Tyce Diorio explained, "I just felt compelled to talk about breast cancer and a friend who was faced with it." The piece moved the entire judging panel to tears. Nigel Lythgoe proclaimed that it reminded him why he loved dance so much and, "If this isn't a [an Emmy] nomination next year, I'll be hugely surprised." Nigel called the powerful lifts and leaps amazing, and admitted he completely lost it when Melissa pounded her fists against Ade's chest.

The anger and frustration portrayed in that one move was all too familiar for Nigel, who has several friends who have fought and are still fighting cancer. Funnywoman and guest judge Ellen DeGeneres felt privileged to have witnessed the performance, and Mary Murphy praised the couple's beautiful dancing. Emmy-winning choreographer and judge Mia Michaels, who was visibly moved by Tyce's routine, was reminded of her own father's battle with cancer and said, "It was really not about the dancing, though it was a perfect portrait of what was being said."

So, in honor of all you women out there who want to see the pain and fright we feel every day represented in a gorgeous dance, here you go:

'SYTYCD' Top 8: Melissa & Ade's Contemporary Performance @ Y! TV

Via Yahoo TV Blog

Thanks Nolo!

Deathwish?

2009-07-23T15:34:00.000-07:00

Nothing much to report today. Chemo uneventful. I have started a countdown. I have 22 more chemo sessions to go (once every three weeks!). I do get herceptin once a week, but as that is not technically a chemo and its side effects are minimal, I don't count that.

Luis and I are going house hunting again on Saturday, just a little further south of Dallas this time, which would result in a 15 mile commute for him, but still allow me some country feeling:)

Saw a lot of people texting and driving today on the road. I will start txts at a stoplight, but I will put down my phone and wait for the next light when the light changes and my foot is no longer on the break.

I think txting and driving is a horrible habit, and I believe it is akin to drinking heavily and driving. At least when you are trashed and driving you are looking at the road in front of you because you know you are trashed. Txting you aren't. And the more often you get away with it, the more you trick yourself into believing that you are a good "txting driver," and will do it more and more.

Same thing with screwing with your ipod. Gosh I can't wait until those things are voice activated! I know that I am one of those annoying people that get into my car at the supermarket parking lot and sit in my car 60 seconds while people are waiting for me to get out of my spot, but I am checking my phone, setting up my ipod, and getting on my glasses so I am driving without distractions. I did not do all the cancer treatment just to end up smashed on the side of the road cause I was responding to a txt while driving.

Found this cartoon by Judy Breck on the subject, and thought you might enjoy it.

Via LifeHacker, and the Washington Post

Complications . . .

2009-07-19T20:23:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted lately. Been busy with not doing anything like usual. Okay, here's the medical news:

Even though I got a clear PET scan, my doctor wants me to be on chemo for a year. This sucks for several reasons, but a major one is no hair, eyebrows, or eyelashes for a year. I look weird. I need a job, and I look weird going in for job interviews. Even if I wear a wig, when someone doesn't have eyebrows or eyelashes, it throws people off. The whole Monalisa look is just strange. Would you hire her? ---> A year . . . ugh . . . I know, I know, at least I am alive, but man, I was hoping for a trip to Brazil soon! Guess I am going to have to put it off until 2010 . . .

Second, I was driving around with both arms on the steering wheel, and I noticed one wrist was a little swollen, and then it was all downhill from there. I went to my physical therapist, and was diagnosed with lymphedema. This really fricking sucks. I would rather have chemo for a year than lymphedema, but I guess I get both :)!

I knew I was at high risk because they took out all my lymph nodes, but I was hoping to avoid it. Some people don't develop it for decades after their surgery. It only took me a couple of months. The lymph nodes return fluid that has built up in any part of your body to the blood stream. However, I don't have this, so my lymph fluid just stays. Why did I start building up lymph fluid in my arm? The heat? Carrying Neecy around? Carrying my purse on my left arm? Who knows. We aren't sure what triggered the fluid build up, but it happened.

The only thing I know now is arm is swollen. There is no cure, but it can be managed. I get to wear this ridiculous thing on my arm and hand for two or three months (which is just FABULOUS in 105 degree heat). I can't take it off, even when I go out to dinner or try to look nice dressed up.

It doesn't seem like a big deal, but if I were to do nothing, this is what would happen:
Yeah, not so happy.

Would much rather wear the garments I guess. Well, the clear PET scan couldn't have come with no new challenges. Cancer is always keeping me on my toes!

Quick Sum Up

2009-07-12T21:07:00.000-07:00

I had a fabulous fabulous weekend.

Friday: Watching a movie with my hubby on the sofa. We watched The International. It had a very weird rhythm. Guns fights lasting a little too long . . . Climax not happening soon enough. But it was okay.

Saturday we slept in and then went to brunch with friends to Cafe Brazil, which does not offer one bit of Brazilian food, but whatever. Then we looked at houses and properties, came home, and Neecy was dropped off to spend the night with us.

Luis went to the gym and I took her to Alberto and Marta's house to play in the pool in the 105 degree heat, and then we went to Taste of Dallas, where all the restaurants set up booths and offer little dishes for 3-6 dollars. Everything had meat in it, but I had a great time anyway, especially watching Neecy and Alejandro enjoy the rides!

We slept in and then got up when Neecy did at 8:30 and got ready to go to another brunch at a friends house, who brought in a chef who cooked AMAZING food. They had tons of vegetables and whole grain bread for me, along with pasta, fish, fresh fruit, and then tons of food I couldn't eat but looked fabulous! We stayed there from 11-5, opening bottles of wine, making fun of each other, and just laughing a whole lot.

Then we took Neecy home and saw Bruno. It is a must. I laughed so hard, and felt so uncomfortable doing so. It was great. This guy is a brilliant brilliant brilliant comedian.

The China Study

2009-07-10T15:58:00.000-07:00

My friend James DiPadua suggested I read a book called The China Study. I just finished it today at it was fabulous. One of the most amazing books I have ever read and should be REQUIRED reading for anyone and everyone.

I went to breastcancer.org discussion boards to find out what people thought about it. Not many people have read it, but there was one thread, and I wanted to post what I wrote in case people were wondering about how I was doing on the whole vegan thing.

I just finished the China Study last night. Two months ago I went vegan (I get flexible at restaurants and will order soups with fish sauce or eat fish at friend's houses). I had Stage IV (mets to distant lymph nodes) and my first pet scan showed my treatment had less than a marginal effect. My second pet scan after going vegan was clean. I have no side effects from chemo or Herceptin except from being a bit tired and a dry mouth for one week after treatment. I no longer need nuepogen shots every other day. Bowls are fabulous (2 to 3 times a day).
Anyways, I feel fabulous, I have a full appetite. I unfortunately lost a bit of weight (I am at 127 and I am trying to stay around 130), but I can't eat 24/7, so I just eat when I am hungry, and make sure it is plants not animals.
I am also reading more about the importance of the pancreas and raw foods in helping with enzyme supply so enzymes are spending time breaking down food, but destroying cancer.
Psychologically, it feels wonderful to feel like you are in control again. The emotional boost from that power is invaluable when you have been made so vulnerable by cancer.
I have lost all taste for meat, and don't crave it any more (that took about 8 weeks). Soy milk has been a wonderful substitute for milk, and the only things I miss now are ice creams on hot days in Texas and cheese and sour cream (on chili and baked potatoes, yum!). But I think those cravings will also pass in time. I would rather be alive and in control.
If you read the China Study (for the skeptics about the link between diet and cancer), he explains very well why the information has not been pushed by any of the health organizations or by the US government. It is a fabulous read and probably one of the most important books I have ever read.

So I did this quiz, and here are my results. I found it via Book of Joe. If you are a blogger, I recommend you take it. It is pretty funny.

67%

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating Sites

Via Digital Digressions

Vaccine for Breast Cancer!

2009-07-09T14:56:00.000-07:00

Afternoon peeps! I didn't mean to go all political on y'all yesterday, but I just get so frustrated. My darling husband reminded me nicely that many people that read my blog are Conservative. I know that.

But I just hate stupid Conservatives the way I assume that you, my dear conservative readers, hate stupid liberals. You can't possibly think all liberals are stupid, and nor do I think all Conservatives are stupid.

To clarify, when I say stupid, it really means "lazy" and refer to people who do not form their own opinions by looking at information and engaging in intelligent discussion, but instead sit around all day and send forwards to each other all day about how Obama is going to set up concentration camps for white people.

So, my point is, sorry if I offended you, but sometimes talking politics is healthy way to blow off steam. And you really can't get mad at me. I am a cancer patient ;)

So, I wanted to bring to the attention of all those who are HER2+ or interested in this drug is that there is a vaccine that is currently being tested that so far seems like it works. Although HER+ postive breast cancer patients love Herceptin, we know that 40% of people don't respond to it, and many people grow resistant to it. So while it works now, it might not work later. In Phase 1 clinical trials of this new vaccine 70% of patients had a response. Now those are statistics I like!

It works like this: Normally, our bodies doesn't respond to the HER2 protein receptors that are overexpressed on the cancer cells that we have. There are way more than normal on our cancer cells of course, which is why we are considered HER2 positive, but not enough to make our immune system notice.

The vaccine is just a boatload of the naked DNA gene that produces HER2 . It makes your body produce tons of HER2, enough that your immune system wakes up and says, HOLY CRAP WHAT WAS THAT, and it sends of a gazillion killer T-cells that start killing anything that expresses HER2, including your sneaky little cancer cells :)

Basically, the vaccine teaches your immune system to attack your cancer, not ignore it.

No side effects, and after 6 months after taking the vaccine and not being on treatment, subjects are showing no sign of cancer progression. So if this gets cleared, it means I (and anyone/everyone else) won't have to be on Herceptin for the rest of our lives.

They have had so much success with the pretrials, they have already started the process with an improved vaccine, even though the first vaccine is still recruiting for its clinical trials. Here is the full article.

So HER2+ people, if you don't have any sign of disease and you want to join the trial, there are tons going on right now. I am not going to because I want more flexibility right now in my treatment to add and take away different drugs, but I am going to get me some of that vaccine when I am done with this!

Positivity

2009-07-08T07:25:00.001-07:00

I am making a concerted effort to surround myself with happiness and positivity. It is generally easy to do, except that my husband has decided to try to understand crazy ass Conservatives by watching Bill O'Reilly and Hannity and Glen Beck, and watch them EVERY NIGHT. I mean, regardless if you agree with the conservative psycho agenda (do you have any question as to where I stand?) or not the shows are:

Angry
Mean
A pathetic charade of journalism and reporting
in general a good demonstration of how humans should NOT act toward their fellow man.

I have no problem with smart conservatives. One of my closest friends is the hardest-core conservative I have ever met (and he isn't a watered-down neo-con, he is a conservative a la 1890s) and I adore listening to him and arguing with him because he teaches me a lot, makes me think of things that I wouldn't think of, and makes REALLY good points that I often concede to him. His is a conservative that thinks, looks at the other side, forms structured arguments, and then argues logically without emotion or talking about Christian values.

However, people that say they are conservatives that just like to regurgitate O'Reilly, Hannity, and Beck without actually thinking for themselves really frustrate me. Like the lady that sat next to me during my pedicure yesterday and said, "Obama is turning this country Socialist." I can't even begin to discuss that, because first, she obviously has no idea what a real socialist economy looks like because then those words would never cross her lips.

It's like trying to argue with a 2 year old or with someone insane. If you are operating on two different planes of reality, there will never be a commonality. So you just sigh, and try to distract them with candy, and let them calm them down. And yes, that is how I deal with most conservatives (at least in Texas).

Anyway, the real reason I brought up happiness and positivity is because I am listening to the greatest book! It is called City of Thieves. It seems like it would be depressing, taking place in Russia in 1941 when the attack of the German's is starving the entire country during a bleak and bitter winter, but it is really funny. I took a walk this morning and I started giggling to myself because one of the main characters, Kolya, kept making this hysterical quips. One of the reviewers on amazon described him as: a dirty minded Bugs Bunny come to life as a 6ft tall, Blond hair Blue eyed Russian. That pretty much sums it up!

And your cool vid of the day via Book of Joe:

"A fortuitous orbit of the International Space Station allowed the astronauts this striking view of Sarychev Volcano (Kuril Islands, northeast of Japan) in an early stage of eruption on June 12, 2009. Sarychev Peak is one of the most active volcanoes in the Kuril Island chain, and it is located on the northwestern end of Matua Island."

Temps back down!

2009-07-07T08:49:00.000-07:00

First the complaints (sorry, this is my venting forum, people):

Chemo has exhausted me so much I am sleeping 10 hours a night, which is great, but I am too tired to do anything. My tear ducts have swollen shut, so rather than the tears just filtering down the back of your throat like normal, they just pour out my eyes like I am cutting onions ALL THE TIME. My feet have swollen because of the chemo, so I am no longer a size 9, but a 9.5. Which sucks cause I can't wear any of my shoes, and I am not making money so I can't justify shoe shopping. BUT, it gives me a great excuse to dress like a scrub and wear locals slippers all the time.

I actually don't like locals that much, I prefer the plain black rubber kind with the little musical notes on them because they are softer, although they don't provide as much protection from the kiawi thorns as locals do.

So I was driving to Asian market yesterday, and this black guy in a dark green lexus was in front of me. We were waiting for the left turn signal to change to green. He was drinking a sprite, and I watched him down it, then toss the sprite can out the window! WTHECK? I couldn't believe it!

I mean, littering was so 80s! Who does that anymore?

I mean, he isn't 18 and stupid and trying to show off. If he has a Lexus, I assume he has a home with a trash can, and he could probably wait the whole 15 minutes it was going to take him to get it home, where he would have the option of recycling it in the FREE BINS provided by the county. But he just tossed it out the window!

I almost called the police, but 911 for littering seemed a little much. If it hadn't rolled down an embankment I would have gotten out of the car, picked it up, yelled at him, and then taken it home thrown it away in my own recycling bin.

So, I got home, and uploaded the photo I took of his car and the picture on ZAPTAG.com, which is a fabulous site where you can vent about how crappy drivers are and post their license plates up online (and yes, search for your own!). While I know it did nothing, it made me feel better publicly complaining about him. Weirdly, there are a lot of people from the Aloha State on this site.

I encourage people to post bad drivers on this site so there is some kind of public watchdog because obviously people's own morality and sense of social responsibility don't suffice.

The picture of the hapai lady on my profile pic is a default photo (I know, weird), so not keeping any big secrets from you all!

The temperature is back down to high 80s, which means we don't need the air on and we can cook in the kitchen without dripping sweat. I made a very yummy hearty millet and butternut squash soup yesterday. Luis and I have been trying to cook more with whole grains because we have both noticed that our gastrointestinal system functions BEAUTIFULLY when we eat more of them.

So, what is millet? It looks like bird seed. Actually, I think it honestly is one of the ingredients in bird seed. It is one of the oldest grains in the world. A very biblical grain. I actually made my own vegetable stock from the ends of vegetables I have been saving for a month in a freezer bag, and used a butternut squash that has been on our counter for two months. Just boiled the millet for 30 minutes, added cubed butternut squash for another 30, through everything into the blender, and added some chives and homemade pesto. Tasted awesome. For those interested in the nutritional value, a serving supplies 400% of you requirement for vitamin A, 70% of vitamin C, and 7g of protein!

My New Classification - STAGE IV-NED

2009-07-04T07:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted for a while because I was too nervous about the PET scan, and then when I got the results of NED (No Evidence of Disease) on Thursday morning before chemo, I was almost too relieved to post. Putting it down in writing, while making it seem more permanent, also scares me. Several months ago, when a different cocktail made my tumors in the lymph nodes in my neck disappear, they popped right back up as soon as I got off the chemo to prepare for surgery. I just don't want this to be temporary too . . . I am totally bored of cancer. It was interesting, but honestly I am really over it.

For those who can't remember the difference between PET, CT, and MRI scans:

CT scans show structure by looking how fast dye is absorbed, but it looks at it structurally. I can see a tumor, but can't tell if it is benign or not, for example.

MRIs can tell the difference between diseased and healthy tissue. So if we know that you have a tumor in your breast, but want to see the exact shape and size and how far it has extended toward the chest wall, we give you an MRI.

PET scans are cool because they measure how active cells are. They can tell the difference between dead tissue and live tissue, and cancerous (very active cells) and non cancerous tumors. They can also do 3-D images.

They can only detect cancer cells that have amassed in over a millimeter thick, wide, square, whatever. For us non-metric people, a millimeter is about 1/17 of a dime. Still visible and tangible, but small.

However, having a PET scan show NED is important emotionally and physically in so many ways.

This is the first good news I have received. I can actually tell people that I am getting better rather than saying, "I hope I am getting better."
I can now start my clear PET scan calendar as of July 2, 2009 and say, I have been clear for 3 months, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years (now we are getting into hopeful territory!), 20 years. A lot of woman start this calendar from diagnosis, but I would feel much safer with the aggression of my tumor to start from the first clear PET.
Something is working on me. Hopefully it is the Herceptin because I can get that long term (year or two!) while the Taxotere is a chemo therapy and reduced quality of life somewhat.
I have time. To be honest, I didn't know how much time I was going to have if this thing kept spreading, but now, I know I am going to be around for a little while! You will be forced to keep reading this blog for a bit!

However, this isn't the beginning of the end of treatment, as my doctor explained to me. We have to stop the cancer from coming back.

The information I am posting next is NOT meant to be a downer or depressing. It is a small sample of 100 woman (which medically, no one would take seriously), with nothing about age, attitude, life style changes factored in. However, it does show that we are just beginning.

There was a study published looking at 100 woman exactly like me, Stage IV-NED:

10% of women with metastatic breast cancer have a recurrence of their disease as an isolated lesion (local, regional, or distant). These are patients with stage IV breast cancer with no evidence of disease, or stage IV-NED. So I have a 1/10 chance based on this study of getting cancer again.

Patients and methods: Ninety-six patients with isolated recurrence of stage IV breast cancer were analyzed retrospectively. Prognostic factors were analyzed and correlated with disease-free survival (DFS) (this is the group I want to be in!) and overall survival (OS).

Results: Five-year DFS and OS for the whole group were 29% and 49% respectively. DFS was also significantly better for patients receiving systemic therapy after local treatment (31% vs. 19%). Remember, these statistics ONLY APPLY IF I HAVE A RECURRENCE.

Conclusion: Patients with stage IV-NED have poor prognosis due to early development of metastatic disease. Absence of axillary nodal involvement at the time of mastectomy and systemic therapy following local management is associated with improved DFS and OS (I did have axillary nodal involvement, boo). These results suggest that systemic therapy after local treatment in stage IV-NED is indicated (which is what I am getting, lots and lots more chemo!).

So, my goal is NOT to get cancer again cause then statistically I am in the shithouse and I will have to figure a way out again. My next post is going to be about how I am going to take control of that and make sure that doesn't happen!

So give me all the chemo I can handle, all the herceptin I can take, and all the supplements I can stomach. Still off of meat, cheese (MY FAVORITE), and wine (although to celebrate I had a glass of malbec and champagne last night). So have a glass of wine for me, eat some cheese, and I hope I get to see you all soon at some point! Love to you all! - Dana

PS - Gonna start video blogging soon! Will update as soon as I get my Flip HD Camera!

Miracle Drug Olaparib

2009-06-26T06:43:00.000-07:00

My heart is just bursting with mahalo. Thank you so much to everyone who donated to Jonas fundraiser! I will update you and let you know how he does once the race is over :) Of course he is going to kick butt. This guy is one of the most competitive people I know (in a good way, not in a "jerk" way). He even tries to beat the "arrival time" on his car GPS!

I was listening to the NYT Audio Digest like I do everyday, and they mentioned a book that I thought would be great reading for anyone, not just breast cancer fighters, that need to be inspired. It is called Ice Bound: A Doctor's Incredible Battle for Survival at the South Pole.

Basically, this female doctor going through this horrible divorce volunteers to be a doctor at the South Pole over winter. While she is there, she discovers a lump, does a SELF BIOPSY (really hard core), and finds out she has a really aggressive fast growing cancer. And she can't leave. No flights can get in or out of the South Pole during winter. Not exactly the situation that you want to find yourself in.

When I was diagnosed with my aggressive fast growing cancer, the doctors didn't even want to wait 10 days for me to freeze embryos. She has to wait 6 months with no surgery/chemo/hormonal therapy/herceptin/nothing. So she looks at all the rudimentary tools she has (rudimentary in relation to breast cancer) and she begins to treat herself!

It is only 1 cent used (of course shipping is $4) on Amazon, so treat yourself! And for those non-readers, you can get the DVD staring Susan Sarandon;)

Breaking News!

There is a pill for breast cancer if you are genetically predisposed. Yes! A pill. If you test positive for BRCA1 or BRCA2, you can take a PARP inhibitor called olaparib that shrinks inoperable tumors! And it doesn't make you sick! Here is the article if you want to find out exactly how it works. And here is the original study that appeared in the New England Journal of Medicine three days ago. Here is how to enroll in the clinical study.

PS: Olaparib did not help 41 other patients with tumors that were not associated with BRCA mutations. But they are working on it! Any breakthrough is a breakthrough for everyone.

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcdfw.com/video.

Christmas in June! and 100 degrees . . .

2009-06-24T16:01:00.000-07:00

I have received so many sweet gifts and things recently. My friends and family are so generous to me!

A girlfriend of mine, Emily, volunteers for LiveStrong, Lance's organization, and sent me tons of material from them. I can't wait to go through it because Lance's case has been such and inspiration for me (and my Dad!).

Other girlfriends from college sent me a Big Box filled with Georgetown clothing and pencils and mugs and pint glasses. It was so wonderful and reminded me so much of school when your biggest worry was your grades and Dip Ball.

When I was in Hawaii, family friends, Paul and Anne, gave me a gift certificate to amazon which I spent on vegan cook books and a book that Nani, my friend from middle school, suggested to me. It is called Anti-Cancer.

After undergoing chemotherapy and surgery for brain cancer, Servan-Schreiber, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, asked his oncologist if any lifestyle changes would prevent a relapse; the answer was no. Certain this was wrong, Servan-Schreiber spent months researching a mass of scientific data on natural defenses against cancer.

Really looking forward to it getting here!

Being 29, it seems like everyone and their mother is getting engaged, married, or popping out children, and I am getting emails about a lot of gift registries. I wanted to give a shout out to a really cool service called Live for the Challenge, that is a MEDICAL GIFT REGISTRY. Basically, the cancer fighter sets it up (or their family and friends do), and their supporters can help take the edge off of life by getting them gifts they want.

I mentioned LiveStrong above, and my friend/ex boss from my old life at Meltwater is doing a 100 mile LiveStrong Bike Race in San Jose next month to raise money for cancer in my name. Having gone on a Camp NorWester Little Big Trip with Lisa Jardine biking around, I know exactly how tough that is! 50 miles can be brutal depnding on the terrain. If you want to donate to Jonas' effort to raise awareness and support cancer and boobs and me, click here!

Luis and I will be house hunting tomorrow in Cedar Hill, and pretty suburb of Dallas (and you have no idea how hard it is to use the words pretty, suburb, and Dallas all in the same sentence). Will post the houses that we like (if any!)

Herceptin Magic

2009-06-22T08:10:00.000-07:00

Hope you all had a happy weekend! Luis and I went house hunting yesterday and found a house that we can't afford. We also looked at a lot of upscale family friendly neighborhoods that I thought I would have liked, and they were way too Texan for me. They all had the American Flag, the Texan Flag, and the Texas Star nailed to their house. I am sure in November there would have been tons of McCain/Palin signs everywhere. I hate sounding so homgenous, but I need to move to a place where neighborhood parties aren't going to be torture.

I have gotten lots of recommendations for which art class I should take. I am leaning toward Quickdraw (thanks for your thoughts, Coral), but as my doctor said I am going to be on this chemo for longer than the typical 4 cycles, and it is already making me so tired, I need to check the schedule to make sure that it isn't in the morning.

For all HER2+ cancer patients out there I found a really interesting article where Herceptin has actually been documented in the lab to FLIP you from ER/PR- to ER/PR+!

For those of you who aren't well versed in breast cancer, this is HUGE!! Usually what happens is that you get a core biopsy, they take out a piece of the tumor, examine it, and say, okay your tumor is like this, blah blah blah. In my case, they took it out and said you are ER- PR- and HER2+. Which means I have one weapon, herceptin, in my arsenal beyond surgery and chemo.

If would have been ER+ or PR+, then I could have used hormonal therapy. The more pluses, the more "weapons" you have. But, I don't.

However, this research is showing that once you bombard the tumor with Herceptin, it can potential flip from not feeding off of estrogen to feeding off of estrogen. Which is amazing because that means that you CAN fight it with hormonal therapy! It has changed the tumor completely and I am not just waiting around for Herceptin to become ineffective again.

They reason why this is very difficult to monitor is because once the tumor is removed, there usually isn't anything to biopsy or check, and why on earth would you think that the chemo would make the tumor change "personalities" anyway?

The interesting thing is that I still have a tumor in my neck which could be checked to see if my tumor has become ER+/PR+. If it shrinks away, it can't, but I want to show my doctor the research and see if he would be interested on putting me on hormonal therapy anyway on the assumption that it could help.

The only challenge I see is the insurance company not wanting to pay for a therapy that "could" help my tumor. We would need to biopsy something to see if, in fact, the tumor has changed before they would be willing to pay for it. The human trial is now recruiting in Ann Arbor.

Okay, enough Med Speak. Gonna go watch the market crash for a while and smile at my short positions.

Here is a great video on the PREVENTION of breast cancer, and what woman can do to stop themselves from getting cancer in the first place, instead of trying to backpedaled like me! I am taking all the supplements he suggests, and my mother has gotten thermal imaging instead of mammograms before in New Zealand and it works very well!

Art Classes?

2009-06-17T09:14:00.000-07:00

CORRECTION REQUIRED!

Two blog posts ago, I wrote:

So, although I am sitting at home and not working, I do feel like I don't have much time. Between feeling exhausted from chemo, or running around getting my blood checked, the days just fly by.

When I wrote "I do feel like I don't have much time," I meant "I feel like I don't have enough time to do all the things I want to do." The way I wrote it has been construed by a couple of people to mean, "My time on earth is short," which is DEFINITELY NOT what I wanted to say. So I am so sorry for the confusion; I am not sitting around pondering the likelihood of my imminent death ;)

In fact I am barely thinking of my cancer at all! Too many cool things to do! I am thinking about taking an art course! I am sooooo not artistic, but I think it would be healthy for me to have multiple outlets for frustration, thought, etc. These are some of the courses I am considering taking!

- CREATIVE CLAY SCULPTING
- QUICKDRAW (Sketching)
- BATIKS AND OTHER RESIST APPLICATIONS
- GLASS BEADMAKING
- JEWELRY BASICS
- THE ART OF MOSAIC
- BEGINNING PAINTING
- OIL PAINTING FROM PHOTOGRAPHS FOR BEGINNERS
- OIL PAINTING FROM LIFE
- ABSTRACT PAINTING
- STONE SCULPTING

Would love to hear thoughts if any readers have taken a course like those above. . . I am really interested in quickdraw, jewelry basics, and oil painting from photographs. I saw my art teacher, Cindy Yarawamai, in Hawaii and she really insprired me to get creative.

Luis shaved my head this morning. I had this fuzzy sparse orangy hair that remained afater a lot of it fall out when I started chemo again. I looked like I had mange on my head. Now it looks like I chose this hairstyle vs I am sick.

Lifehacker inspires some organization in my life

2009-06-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

The doorbell rang this afternoon and the UPS lady was delivering more Nespresso capsules for my husbands espresso maker. I can't wait until I am drinking coffee again! I know I can't do a cup a day like I did, but I love afternoon coffees with my husband. He used to make me a coffee every single day when I woke up :)

Anyway, the UPS lady, Vilma, asked me if I had breast cancer (big bald head a huge clue), and she told me that she also had breast cancer, and just finished radiation. She had her treatment at Texas Cancer Treatment Clinic in Las Colinas. I am looking for another cancer clinic that is close by, because you have to go to radiation EVERY DAY for 7 weeks (minus weekends). And as much as I love Shere Khan, I am NOT driving to Allen every day.

I saw my surgeon today because there is this tendon in my arm that is VERY VERY tight and not getting looser. If I raise my arm, instead of having a smooth armpit, this tendon bisects my armpit and really sticks out. Gonna need some physical therapy, which my dad believes is hooey, but as my insurance is paying for it and I would like to lift my arm without feeling pain into my wrist, I am gonna do it. Here is a picture of the specific tendon/muscle/ligament (whatever, right?) that is bothering me.

So, although I am sitting at home and not working, I do feel like I don't have much time. Between feeling exhausted from chemo, or running around getting my blood checked, the days just fly by. Now that I have my iphone, I am creating several lists that I can add to at a moments notice. I got these ideas from the site LifeHacker, who posts articles on how to make your life easier!

List # 1 “Things I Want”
Every year, people I know ask me what I want for my birthday, or for Christmas, or just because they love giving me gifts (that last would would be nice, huh?). Usually, I have no idea what to tell them. That’s why I’ve started keeping a list of things I want - every time I hear about or come across something I’d like to have, no matter how big or small, it goes on my list.

If I get it, or don’t want it anymore, it goes away. It’s simple, but having this list gives me a running tally of stuff I actually want, so I’m not just telling my family and friends “anything’s great, seriously…” and then pretending to like what I get.

List # 2 “Gift Ideas”

This one’s on the opposite side of gift-giving. If I think of something that would be a great gift for a person I might some day buy a gift, I write down something like “Mom - Rollerblades.” That way, when my Mom’s birthday comes up and I realize I haven’t been paying attention for a whole year, I’ve got some backup ideas. This one, more than all the other lists here, has come in handy over and over in my life.

List # 3 “Got a Minute?”

We all have things that we’d like to do, but that aren’t required of us and that have no consequences whether we do them or not. I keep those things in my “Got a Minute?” list. If I have some free time with absolutely nothing to do, I’ll take a stab at something on my list. If they don’t get done, it’s not a big deal - it’s full of things I’d like to do when there’s nothing better or more important to do.

List # 4 “Watch, Read, Listen”

Another critical one for me, as a music and movie junkie. If a movie gets suggested to me, or I’m told I absolutely have to hear a particular band, they go on the list. If I have some time, I’ll go through the bands and see if there’s anything good. If I’m in need of another book, I try to pull one from my list rather than just reading whatever’s nearby. These lists are populated by friends, blogs, and any other source you can think of, and they’ve provided me with a ton of great movies, music, and books.

List # 5 BHAGs

BHAGs, or Big Hairy Audacious Goals, are an important thing for anyone to keep updated. These are goals that are way beyond what you think is possible, and are things you’re constantly keeping in mind with every decision or choice you make. For most, these goals are career-based, but they don’t have to be. What do you want to do, or be, or accomplish? Keeping this list handy will help keep you centered and focused in all things you do.

List # 6 Bucket List - very important!

We’ve all heard of bucket lists before - lists of things to do before you die. These might overlap with the BHAGs list, but not necessarily. For instance, “spend a night in jail” is proudly on my bucket list, but I wouldn’t exactly call that a goal. Keep a list of things you want to do - need to do before you die, both to help you get them done and to help you figure out what’s important. If “go to New Zealand” is on your bucket list, it’s worth saving for rather than taking a less-awesome trip somewhere else.

List # 7 “Don’t Forget”

This is a list for random, momentary stuff that you need to remember - but not remember forever. Things like “new guy at work is Jim” or “mail taxes” go on this list - review it periodically (I check mine every morning) and get rid of whatever is done or that you actually know. Hopefully, after a week, you’ll remember Jim’s name, and not need it on the list anymore.

List # 8 Great Ideas

Have a great idea for a business? Thought of a brilliant invention? Write it down. Maybe you won’t do anything with it, maybe you will - either way, having a list of your best ideas is a great way to both stimulate more great ideas, and to give you something to impress the boss with the next time he needs someone with great ideas.

List # 9 Grocery List

Obvious though it may sound, too many people still don’t keep a grocery list. Or, like me, they keep one and then leave it at home. The usefulness of an always-available and always-updated grocery list is twofold: one, it gives you a place to put “Orange Juice” when you run out of Orange Juice, thus keeping you from either not having it, or buying altogether too much because you couldn’t remember how much you have at home.

Two, it prevents you from buying things on impulse, or because you’re hungry - grocery shopping while hungry is dangerous. Keep a list, buy only the things on the list, and odds are you’ll eat both healthier and cheaper.

I’m a listing fanatic, keeping lists that far outnumber just the ones above. But those nine are the ones that have proven critical to saving me money, keeping me fresh with good ideas, and always knowing what to do or spend my money on in relation to what I want to be and do.

Back!

2009-06-15T17:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been gone so long! Being at home in Hawaii did not motivate me in the slightest to get online, and although I returned Tuesday morning I feel like this is the first day that I have relaxed.

I got back completely jetlagged and flew into a 4-day babysitting job for Neecy, which was fun in retrospect once you take out the 101 fever, the hacking cough, the tornadoes, and the day-long power outage (what do you do with a kid in a dark house with no TV or toys who is sick?).

Oh, and Neecy managed to deadbolt herself into her room (15 minutes of me on the roof scrambling around trying to open the windows from the outside of her room, while she screamed "I'm scared!" was also a blast). Obviously had I thought she could reach the deadbolt, I would have taken some percautions. But I didn't (sigh).

Luckily, Luis's managed to talk the hysterical two year old (no easy matter)into unlocking the deadbolt while I tried not to break my neck that was covered in tree branches and all sorts of crap that had blown on the room from the storms the other night. I knew he would be a wonderful father and be able to get me out of whatever crappy situation I have put myself in.

I had my my third chemo round on Thursday which thoroughly drained me, and you might be able to see why I am still exhausted (and glad I don't have kids yet).

So tomorrow I am running around playing catch up, trying to file taxes (been saying that for months), arguing with my insurance company, the typical. Today I went out to lunch with a girlfriend, which was delicious. I cheated a bit on the vegan thing (you have no idea how hard it is to find a vegetarian dish without cheese in Texas!), but thoroughly enjoyed myself at Bolsas, located in Oakcliff, south of Dallas.

Okay, so in Hawaii I went to two doctors that are left of the mainstream. One was a naturopath, and one was and Electro Accupuncturist (really interesting, but more on that in another post).

The naturopath recommended that I take certain supplements. I am going to detail some of them here, but I want you to know that they are tailored to me, my type of cancer, and my goals.

Coriolus Versicolor - I am taking two capsules of a mushroom extract daily that is used in Asia to treat cancer. The coriolus versicolor mushroom has shown antimicrobial, antiviral and antitumor properties, which have been attributed to a protein-bound polysaccharide called Polysaccharide K (PSK), also known as Krestin. In Japan, PSK is currently used as a cancer treatment, in conjunction with surgery, chemotherapy and/or radiation. Over 400 clinical studies have demonstrated that Coriolus polysaccharide extracts have immune modulating and anti-tumor effects. Yay! Even by-the-book MD Anderson has said the drug holds lots of promise.

Circuman - This is the orangey stuff in Tumeric. A researcher at MD Anderson published new research on teh spice. When mice with breast cancer were given curcumin alone, taxol (my kind of chemo) alone, curcumin and taxol, and then nothing at all, the two curcumin groups had the fewest number of metastases ot the longs. They have to give me steroids when I take taxotere( second generation of taxol), because it provokes an inflammatory response (most chemos do), which can lead to resistance. However, circumin inhibited taxol's inflammatory response by blocking NF-kappa B ( no clue what that is), which regulates inflamation, cell proliferating, and cell death (I want those cancer cells to die!).

Melatonin - Low levels of melatonin have been associated with breast cancer occurrence and development. Women who work predominantly at night and are exposed to light, which inhibits melatonin production and alters the circadian rhythm, have an increased risk of breast cancer development. So all you night owls, another reason to get some sleep! Melatonin demonstrates growth inhibitory effects by inducing differentiation (“normalizing” cancer cells)(Cos et al. 1996) as well directly inhibits breast cancer cell proliferation (Ram et al. 2000) and boosting the production of immune components, including natural killer cells (NK cells) that have an ability to kill metastasized cancer cells.

Wow. I am tired. I hear House calling to me from the TV room. Gonna lay down and vegetate.

Hawaii No Ka Oi!

2009-06-05T01:08:00.000-07:00

Wow. Life is so good. Hawaii is just wonderful. If my husband were with me, I would just stay here the entire summer. I have spent TONS of time with my closest friend, Annie, and her birthday weekend gave me TONS of excuses to see her.

I got to go riding on my favorite horse Goldie and her parents' ranch. We also had a fabulous dinner at Macaroni Grill, which didn't exist yet when I was here in last. The Big Island is modernizing with more chain restaurants! Now if they would only bring Appleby's and the Golden Coral to the Big Island, my father would be in seventh heaven.

I have gotten more gutsy and have been feeling the lymph nodes on my neck. They are still there. I don't feel any change, which ticks me off a bit. I had been hoping that the Herceptin would just melt my tumor away, and it hasn't yet. Stupid cancer.

Nikita, my friend, asked a question in a comment relating do my track coach's experience in continuing getting the drug that was working for him even though he didn't qualify for the study anymore. He asked if there are any other ways of getting the drug for people who don't qualify anymore for a further phase of study.

My coach asked the organizers of the study if he could continue taking the drug, and the company said sure, but if for some reason Medicare would not cover the drug once it was up for approval, he had to sign a waiver saying he would pay cash for all the treatments he had received up to then. If course he couldn't stick his wife or himself with that kind of burden (tens of thousands of dollars, or maybe even hundreds), so he went to the VA. The VA agreed to pay to give it to him and pay for it. So he is getting the treatment, but you have to keep trying and keep asking. Don't give up if you are excluded from another phase of a study that was working for you.

I have gone to a naturopath in Kona. Considering that my cancer is such a challenge, and I have become more an more interested in how I eat affects the inner workings of my body, it seemed like the next logical step. Several family friends who have all had Stage IV cancer (lung, and colon) have SWORN by their naturopaths. So although Luis is fairly skeptical I have decided to start taking a massive amount of supplements. I am also exploring homeopathy. I have learned quite a lot, and it makes me very hopeful, and I will explain what I am taking and why in another post. Too much info, and I don't want to overwhelm my dear readers ;)

aloha update

2009-05-28T07:01:00.000-07:00

Just haven't been in the mood to update for a while. Been enjoying NOT doing anything here in Hawaii.

I'll just lay it out there so I can move on to bigger and better things: No change medically. Nothing is visibly (better said, palpably) shrinking, so I just hope that things are progressing slowly but surely. Last chemo treatment, lymph nodes disappeared quickly, bit popped right back full of cancer as soon as I go off chemo, so a full a quick reaction may not be what I want (I am not sure if that sounds rational or like I am grasping at straws).

I am getting treatment in Hawaii today (it is 4:15 am, and I am up crossing my fingers that my short positions that I took in the market on financial and the the Russell index weren't idiotic) up in North Hawaii Community Hospital and went up yesterday for a shot and ran into my track coach from high school in the infusion room, it was wonderful to catch up and reminisce!

He reminded me about an issue that I became aware of only last week when I watched Living Proof on a recommendation by Jennifer. It is about the approval process for a drug called Herceptin, which is one of the few drugs that fight cancer without killing you (unlike chemo).

We all know about clinical trials for new drugs. These trials have phases, the first usually being on people who have advanced diseases and are terminal, then they adjust the criteria a bit make changes, start phase 2, and so on, for 5-10 years until approval.

Now THIS is the interesting thing. Even if your cancer is responding to the experimental drug in a certain phase, and you are getting better, and you actually have a glimmer of hope of living, you MIGHT not qualify for phase 2 of the drug (due to age, medicines that you might have taken before, weight, too slow a response, etc). Whereupon the drug is snatched away from you and there is little you can do to get it back since the FDA will no longer allow you to receive dosage if you are unqualified for another phase of the trial, EVEN THOUGH 1), the drug is available, and 2) you responded positively to it.

Nutso, huh?

I have been having a True Blood marathon with my family as I don't have HBO and they have been talking incessantly about this show. Now I get why. It is like Twilight for people who no longer have to worry about their parents catching them having sex.

At first I didn't like the acting, but by the third episode I loved all the characters and couldn't wait to see the next episode. Vampires and sex and Louisiana. Very hot. Sookie, the main character, still bugs me a little bit because she is annoying, but do rent it when you get a chance.

Okay, my stop limit orders have been placed in case consumer confidence in nothing based in reality or Sasha and Malia's lunch menu at school send the market back up.

Gonna crash for a bit. Aloha!

In a much better mood!

2009-05-18T15:38:00.000-07:00

Wow. All I can say is "wow" when I talk about MD Anderson. Now, THAT, is a real hospital. It is huge, beautiful, professional, and incredibly efficient. They have a thousand cafeterias which serve healthy and bad food (Luis has complained to the cafeteria managers at the hospitals I have been at about the quality of the food offerings), and it is generally a peaceful and tranquil place, considering it is a cancer center.

My doctor told me I was on the right track with the Herceptin treatments, except that he would not start me on Avastin (a drug I was going to start in about 2 weeks time) because it hasn't been proven to be effective. He also confirmed that my diet was fine, it wasn't going to help me, but if it improved my mindset, that was the most important thing. Which it does

When you have cancer, it is like someone placing you in the drivers seat of an automobile that has no steering wheel and the pedals are broken. You just have no control over anything. Now that I am eating much healthier, I at least feel like I have control of the accelerator. Not the break or the wheels, but at least something!

The best part was the Southwest flight. Although I have been in Texas tons, I have never been on a Southwest flight before. As soon as we took off and we were on the steep ascent, the attendant picked up the microphone and said," All of us flight attendants have had a really long day, we are too tired to serve the pretzels and nuts, so make friends with someone on the aisle."

Next thing we know, hundreds of packets of peanuts are flying down the aisle (which is at a 45 degree angle) and everyone is laughing and grabbing at the packets and passing them to their row. It was great, but it got better when we heard, "And here come the drinks!" And all these little bottles of booze come shooting down the aisle rolling past the peanuts. I don't think those got passed around as much. Luis had a nice screwdriver to relax him on the flight.

My phone died, and although it was the final excuse I needed to get an iPhone, I am still disconnected because I have no one's number anymore. So shoot it to me when you get a chance. And if you don't have an iPhone, yes it is just as good as you imagine. Better even.

Okay, so right by the AT&T Store was a Half Price Books. Of course I have 1000s of things to read, but I couldn't walk past it and not go in, and I pulled three books on cancer that I think might be interesting.

This completely revised edition of a 1994 title offers up-to-date information about the human body's own "host defense mechanisms" in the war on cancer, providing a multidisciplinary approach to treatment based on scientific studies and clinical experience. Quillin, a medical professional who has published extensively, has conducted nutrition studies with hundreds of patients in formal clinical settings. He discusses conventional therapies (chemotherapy, surgery), alternative therapies (macrobiotics, herbal and vitamin therapies), and related factors (psychosocial health, drugs, tobacco, immune dysfunctions). Appendixes list treatment referral agencies, mail-order nutrition products, suggested readings, nutritionally oriented doctors in the United States and Canada, and recipes using foods known to slow tumor growth. Written in an easy-to-read style, this work is informative, but some sections seem misplaced or redundant, and charts and graphs occasionally lack an identified source and are difficult to read. Still, this useful guide to authoritative alternatives in cancer treatment would be appreciated in public library or consumer health collections

My friend Jennifer told me about a movie about the making of Herceptin (already at the top of my Netflix list), which is, as I have said before, my best chance at making this tumor go away. There is also a book, which I found at the bookstore.

Her-2: The Making of Herceptin, a Revolutionary Treatment for Breast Cancer reads like a novel at first. Oncologist Dennis Slamon has spent 13 years "obsessed with a molecule called Her-2," which he believed "held the key to nothing less than curing breast cancer." The book chronicles the search to unlock the secrets of Her-2/neu, a protein that makes cancer cells grow quickly; the discovery of the Her-2/neu antibody, which resulted in tumors shrinking and, sometimes, remission of the cancer; and the development of the drug Herceptin. It is also the story of the women with breast cancer who participated in Herceptin's clinical trials, including Anne McNamara, who has been fighting tumor after tumor since 1978. The scientific and research-history sections are heavy and slow going, but Robert Bazell effectively juxtaposes the difficult scientific concepts and long research history of Her-2 with human drama. He keeps bringing the reader back to the threads of the personal stories we are following--especially the women with breast cancer and their determination to recapture their health. This is what makes Her-2 so compelling. -

And this one is a little more out there . . . but I have an open mind. This book discusses the etiology of cancer and it's therapies as it relates to fungi and their mycotoxins.

Okay, gotta go whip up a vegan dinner! Teriyaki tofu, soba noodles, and a veggie stir fry!

2009-05-10T13:14:00.000-07:00

Back in the hospital again.

Luckily, I found that channel that is playing "The Mother of All House Marathons" and Luis had gone home to prepare his exams for tomorrow so I can watch it without feeling like a I am putting my husband through torture.

So why am I here when I was feeling so good?

Low white blood cell count + fever + cough = a Saturday Trip to the Emergency Room. I figured Saturday night in an emergency room was going to be most entertaining, but it was quite plain vanilla. Luis saw two kids busted up from a fight, but all I saw was very large Texans sitting around looking miserable.

This morning the doctor came in and told me that my red blood cell counts were so low I needed a transfusion, so they have taken blood to type and match so I can get some fresh battery juice (two units, each unit taking 3-4 hours, for those interested in the details).

I have AB Negative blood. So does Luis. Which is pretty cool, considering 1 in 167 people have this blood type. That is .07% of the population has it. This doesn't mean that it is hard for me to match however, I am the universal receiver of all negative blood types, as I can take A-, B-, O-, and AB-.

Unfortunately, my problems won't be solved with just some antibiotics and some vampire food. There is something going on with my liver.

The liver is the organ that breaks down (metabolizes) most of the chemotherapy drugs that I get. Unfortunately, some drugs can cause liver damage. As the doctor said, something with my liver is "off." Supposedly, the damage is temporary, and I read the liver recovers a few weeks after the drug is stopped.

Key word is "stopped."

I don't want to stop my chemo. There are other drugs of course, but I don't want to stop anything! It is like every time we are looking at the possibility of something positive, a new hope, there is one more fricking challenge thrown in my tracks.

Did you know that since my diagnosis I have not had one bit of "good" news? Yes, once you have been diagnosed with cancer, news that is "not-so-bad" becomes "good." And every test they run, every surgery, every biopsy, the news gets worse and worse. Can someone up there just cut me some slack for a bit?

Breath, Dana. It isn't so bad. Things could be much worse. Much much worse.

I just feel like this is fricking Iraq, and I am George Bush, thinking this is going to be done and clean and over with so fast and then there are all these complications that my small itty bitty mind can barely comprehend. And all I can do is keep on smiling and telling the myself and who ever will listen to me that this is all going to be okay in the end (history will determine if my actions were justified).

The good thing about being stupid is that it allows you to be a full fledged optimist because you really believe that everything is going to be all right. Optimists don't have to look at yourself in the mirror every morning and convince yourself to be an optimist just one more day. For yourself and everyone else.

And as I wrote someone in a message this morning, life is measured by relativity. You gotta be starving to really enjoy a feast. You got to be dealt a shit hand every once in a while to know how good your previous hand was (or how good your next hand could be). You have to be sad and depressed to really know what it is like to be happy and carefree. You have to be at war to fully enjoy the calm of peace. And the longer the war the sweeter the peace.

Be dumb (like W), don't over think, Dana, and focus on the sweet peace. Where is my unit of blood?

Books and Proteins

2009-05-09T15:41:00.000-07:00

I have obviously had much time to read since I have been diagnosed and not working, so I thought I would share my favorite books. You won't see Catcher in the Rye, and will see some you have never heard of, but these have brought me joy multiple times throughout my life.

I am heading down to MD Anderson Cancer Center next week for another opinion on my cancer. It is one of the largest cancer centers in the world and has ranked as one of the top two hospitals in cancer care every year in US News & World Report (the other is Sloan Kettering). And I am very excited about what they have to say.

Very aggressive tumors like mine over express a protein called HER-2. There is a drug called Herceptin that only came out several years ago that works very well with people with tumors like mine, in fact, often times, melting them away completely.

However, 50% of patients show no response to this drug. MD Anderson has found that Herceptin uses a protein, called, PTEN to block a growth promoting protein called P13K. I want to know how much PTEN I have in my system, because people who don't respond to Herceptin usually have low or nonexistent levels of PTEN. If I do have low levels of PTEN, I can receive a synthetic PTEN that will block the P13K, greatly increasing my chances for survival!

Okay, to simplify this because there were a LOT of proteins mentioned above. Let's say that P13K is a mugger. I am in an alleyway alone. P13K pulls a gun on me and says he is going to kill me. Let's say that PTEN is a bottle of mace that I got when I moved to the city from my dad. Only . . . I don't remember if I remembered to put the mace in my handbag or not, and I don't want to move unless I know I have it because I might get shot.

MD Anderson can check to see if I have the mace, and if I don't, give me pepper spray that works the same way as mace, and I can immobilize the mugger!

Luis and I will fly down on Thursday after my Herceptin treatment and stay until Friday evening. I am looking forward to a very productive and informative visit!

I have been missing a lot of intellectual stimulation lately, and found a great website with lots of interesting articles and opinions. If you want to give your brain a boost after a long House marathon, which I need because that is now my primary form of entertainment, go to Arts & Letters Daily!

Babysitting

2009-05-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

Neecy's grandmom needed a babysitter today so I gladly obliged. Isn't my cousin a cutie?

Cranes

2009-05-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

One Wish

Two days ago I received two large, light boxes from Hawaii. Not once since I was diagnosed, told I would need surgery, or been sick with chemo, or deep bone pain have I cried. But I did once I realized what the boxes contained.

They two boxes were filled to the brim with paper cranes. 1000 and 1 of them. So many, all made from origami paper, regular paper, magazines, foil, strung together so I could hang them up easily. Bob Bonar, the Head of Development at HPA organized the gift. They were folded by hundreds of people who most likely have only a vague recollection of me from not having seen me for over a decade, or have never met me at all, but were willing to share their aloha and good wishes and hopes that I am going to get better.

Unless you grew up in Hawaii or Japan, the significance might be lost on you. Children my age grew up reading a book called Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes. In fact, it was one of the first books I can remember reading in Hawaii at HPA (Kona Campus) in first grade. For some reason, I never forgot it.

It is the true story of a little girl called Sadako who contracted leukemia from the atomic bombs the US dropped on Japan. As she was dying, she became determined to fold 1000 paper cranes, because, according to a Japanese ledgend, she would get one wish if she completed the endeavor, which would allow her to live. In the version I read, she died before completing the cranes.

I think the reason I remember the book so well from my childhood was that it was one the of the first real stories that I read that did not have a happy ending. Not only did she die, but she didn't finish her cranes, and left me to wonder what would have happened if she had. The Japanese Government actually erected a statue in her honor, and says that she did complete the cranes, but as my only exposure is through this story where she didn't, it made me feel very wistful upon remembering it.

I am amazed by the generosity of the gift and the time taken by those who don't know me, and because of that book, it does have deeper meaning that harkens back to my childhood in Hawaii, and the importance of having a goal to focus on while fighting cancer. Mahalo Nui Loa from the bottom of my soul.

Children's Peace Memorial in Japan

One Week

Amazingly, I will have gone a full week without going to the doctor's office tomorrow. This is the first time since I felt the change in my left breast that a full 7 days has gone by without having to take my shirt off for people other than my husband, or being poked, prodded, or stuck by a nurse. I ALMOST feel normal again.

The Cancer Vegan Diet (no animal products, sugar, coffee, booze, or refined grains) so far has been an utter success. I highly recommend it. First of all, it has gotten me cooking again, which I do sporadically but not on an every day basis as my husband is so much better at it than I am. Second, I don't even miss meat, bread, or sugar. What does tempt me is those little jars of candies that are always at doctor's offices, or restaurants, or stores. But as soon as I walk out of the establishment I don't feel like I want it anymore.

The only thing about the vegan diet, although I am EATING all the time, I have lost a pound or two. Which means I need to up the peanut butter and olive oil. Oh, woe is me ;)

Fuzzie Wuzzie!

2009-05-04T09:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had a great seafood lunch/dinner at a friend's house. Alberto is from Spain, loves to cook, and makes the most delicious paella ever. I couldn't eat any of it (to be detailed later), but we really enjoyed ourselves!

Afterward, we went to the USA film fest to see a movie called Don McKay with Thomas Haden Church and Elisabeth Shue. The director reminded me of my brother because he was so young and had written the film as well. It just aired at TriBeCa, and I don't think has a distributor yet. I love it when you get to talk with the director and the actors. It is like having an interactive Special Features DVD after the movie!

I shaved my head toward the end of February right after my 3rd chemo treatment because I was shedding like a Persian cat. Although my head was always stubbly and rough afterwards, it never grew at all and unlike my husband, I do not need maintenance shaves to keep the Mr. Clean look.

But now it is growing in a bit, so I have blondish soft peach fuzz all over my noggin. I can't stop touching it! I actually miss my hair quite a bit. I forget sometimes that I don't have any, and I try to stick a pen in my bun or take out my non-existent ponytail before going to bed.

I went to an acupuncturist a friend of mine who also had cancer recommended, mainly to improve my quality of life from the effects of chemo and these horrible hot flashes I am getting from the shutdown of my ovaries. Menopause is going to be awful if this is any preview for it.

Upon his recommendation,I have changed my diet considerably. After hearing from all different people for months, both amateurs and experts in both Western and Eastern medicine that my diet is something that needs a major revamping, I decided to take their advice. Several of them are also people who were Stage IV and now are in remission against all odds.

So, I am becoming what I call a Cancer-Vegan, avoiding any and all products that have been linked to cell cancer cell growth.

Basically, this entails the major tenants of vegan eating (not vegan living, mind you, still love my leather shoes, belts, toothpastes, and all that stuff with animal products in it), and the avoidance of products that are high on the glycemic index, such as white breads, pasta, and potatoes.

Why is a high glycemic index bad? Foods that have a high glycemic index promote the production of insulin, which promotes the growth of some types of cancer. Yes, I know there are studies that are inconclusive. I have looked at evidence on both sides, but you know what, we all know whole grains are better than refined ones, and if there is a chance that it will extend my life, then I prefer to make that bet.

The vegan thing has been quite interesting. It is so easy now to be vegan (Whole Foods everywhere, vegan restaurants), and now that I got it into my head that my high consumption of cheese and meat could be causing this cancer, I don't really have an urge to eat it at all. My brother has been a fish-eating vegetarian for years, although he breaks his diet on holidays like Easter and Christmas, and it isn't that hard.

I got a great cookbook which has provided lots of information for those starting out on the Vegan trail called The Complete Vegan Kitchen. While all the recipes don't apply because I am also shunning any kind of sweets and refined grains, it is great for a vegan beginner.

I have also been learning tons about spelt, millet, and other birdseed that I need to start consuming.I haven't made any recipes yet, but will post them if I deem them worthy.

A New Cocktail!

2009-05-01T02:07:00.000-07:00

Since my surgery I have been so busy or exhausted or not in the mood to write, so quite a few things to fill you in on!

Non Medical Update:

My best friend from elementary and middle school from my school in Hawaii, Lexie Lam (now Lexie Cox), came to spend three days with me after my surgery to give my mother a break to go see her parents in Abilene, Texas and to take me to all my appointments and do the things that I couldn't do because my left arm was out of commission. We had a great time and laughed so hard, I am still in a fabulous mood. Nothing like friends visiting to make you forget about the fact that you are just a little lopsided now :) I know many of you have expressed interest in visiting, and I just wanted to reiterate the welcome if you want to come. Just tell me the dates you are thinking about and I will tell you if that works!

I booked a trip to go to back to Hawaii May 23-June 8th (yay!). I haven't seen the men in my family (besides my hubby) since I was diagnosed. Although my father could have come here, he travels horribly and immediately gets sick, which I can't have with a low blood count. This June, my brother and father leaving Hawaii are spending the summer traveling around the pacific in a mega yacht, and of course I can't go and I am totally jealous. So, I will see them in Hawaii before they take off, and I am pumped to see all my friends, go to the Waimea Community Theater, crash my Tahitian class, and paddleboard if my arm will stand it :)

Medical News:

As I posted before, the mastectomy was a success. Anne Brown, sent me a wonderful flower bouquet in the hospital.

Back to Stage IV Cancer - Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Rather than having chemo on Wednesday, my doctor ordered a needle biopsy of some lymph nodes he could feel in my neck, and of course they came back positive for cancer. Which means I am back to being a Stage 4 Cancer patient. Boo.

I wasn't surprised. What else were they going to be? On the positive side, however, this gives us a baseline, or something to monitor to see how my chemo was working. Had they been negative, the only way for us to monitor the effects of the chemo would be to know it is not working by having a large tumor grow somewhere else in my body. Now, if they get smaller, we know that the chemo is working! I don't have to wait for something to grow in my liver or bones or brain.

My New Cocktail

I had had my first post-surgery chemotherapy treatment yesterday, and as of now (5am the next morning) I am feeling okay:) The Red Devil might not have done much to my cancer, but that kicked my butt way farther in terms of side effects.

Granted, chemo is cumulative and there is usually a delay of a day before you start feeling like crap, but this is feeling pretty good. There are a lot of allergic reactions related to Taxotere and Herceptin, the two drugs I am getting now, so they pump me full of steroids, which explains why I have been up since 2:30am.

If anything saves my life, it is going to be Herceptin. It only became available 6 years ago in the states (and 1 year ago in New Zealand, for all the Kiwis out there). As a memory jogger, my tumor is HER2-neu positive. 25% of breast cancers are in this category, and until this drug became available, it was pretty much a death sentence as it was so aggressive and responded very stubbornly to chemo (as shown by my lack of response to my first chemo cocktail). Even if the cancer disappeared, us HER-2neu postive people relapsed much faster than other patients with breast cancer.

So . . . I am looking forward to see what happens! Thanks again everyone for reading my blog and posting comments. It means a lot to me!

Quick and Sweet . . and some giggles

2009-04-21T06:52:00.000-07:00

Okay this one is going to be a quickie.

Yesterday I was pretty down. Now pretty down for me is still watching and loving the The Daily Show, going out to eat with my mom, and laughing remember how incredibly retarded my nurses were (they deserve a whole post to themselves, which will be forthcoming), but I was still down.

Why?

The path report showed the chemo did nothing to shrink the tumors. I still had very active and aggressive cancer pretty much everywhere that they thought it would be. It was obviously large and metastatic in my breast, it was in 9/13 lymph nodes (which is almost all of them), so if you extrapolate it is in a lot of lymph node in my breast that they weren't able to remove. It is in my clavicle still, and from my PET scan even though you can't feel it, it is still in my neck.

Which means that while the chemo STOPPED the growth (good), it didn't kill much cancer (bad).

I am usually a pessimistic person, in that I don't expect miracles, but I guess there was this little part of my heart hoping that it was just big dead lumps of cancer cells in me.

So back to the drawing board with me. A/C didn't work, so hopefully another chemo cocktail will.

So with that un-delightful news, here are some things to make you smile! Most are from the BookofJoe.

JUMBO JET VS. PEOPLE ON THE BEACH

FACEBOOK GROUP: WORLD LEADERS

Fighting Cancer and Crime!

2009-04-19T09:39:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning in pain.

The bottle of vicodin was on my night table, but I needed to eat something before I took it so it didn't make me nauseous. I usually have a tin of cookies next to my bed because my chemo medicine does the same thing, but I hadn't stocked it lately.

I glanced at my clock and saw that it was 9:45. Luis was already downstairs. I could hear the shower running, which meant mom was up, but busy.

I was in too much pain to get up, and too lazy to yell downstairs for Luis to come up, so I decided that I would just wait until mom was out of the shower, ask her to bring me a graham cracker, lay in bed until the meds kicked in, then get up and start my day with an episode of 24 (so ambitious, I know).

So I was lying there, trying not to think about how it felt like someone had hacked into my side with a meat cleaver, when I heart a "BANG" from downstairs.

I stopped breathing so I could listen. It sounded like Luis had dropped a large metal vase (which incidentally, we don't own), or taken a cookie sheet and slammed it up against the wall as hard as he could.

Another WHAM, and this time I felt it reverberate through the house. What the fuck was he doing? I was lying here, in pain, and Luis was messing around downstairs making as much noise as humanly possible!

At the third SMASH, which the pain amplified enormously, I thew my feet to the floor, stretching the stereostrips that were holding my wound together causing a ripping sensation up my side that made my forehead break out in a sweat, and muttering every swear word I could as I hobbled my way to the bedroom door.

As I opened it, another BANG filled the house, the sound unimpeded by the door. Christ, it was really really loud. What the hell was he doing? I was getting very angry at my husband now.

I looked down at my feet. Cosi, a 20 lb cat who is all brawn and no brains, was cowering on the top step, his place of refuge from Neecy, Chomksy, the vacuum cleaner, the blender, or the garbage truck, or whatever scares him into shakes next. I started down the stairs, leaning heavily on the railing because the pain was making me dizzy.

Another CRASH from the kitchen, and this time, I heard glass shatter and hit the floor. I wasn't down the stairs yet, but I yelled, "Baby, what are you doing?!"

The noise stopped.

And then I heard a man's voice, completely garbled, like he was talking with this mouth stuffed with grapes, "Blarg Blarg ARg, da Stairs."

Huh? What was Luis talking about? Was he telling me to stay on the stairs?

So I ran down as fast as I could, into the kitchen, and saw the mess.

The door had been kicked in. The frame had held, but the structure of the door had gone to pieces. Glass and wood were all over the floor, and the door was wide open. Someone had tried to break into the house.

Shit. Had Luis gone to chase them? He knows not to do that . . . but when I looked past the porch to our cars, I saw that Luis had taken mine. Luis wasn't even here.

Shit.

Okay, quick assessment needed. The guys could still be in the house, but I knew they weren't upstairs.

But Mom was.

In the shower.

A quick scene from Psycho flashed in my head, and I pulled open our knife drawer. I scrambled around for our largest sharp carving knife. I hobbled back up the stairs and burst into her bathroom.

"Mom! The house was broken into! Lock yourself in, here is a knife!"

I know she had no clue what I was talking about, but I hope that she would figure it out. I slammed the bethroom door, and ran back downstairs.

Okay, Mom was safe, now what was the next step? Police! Or wait, my husband! Which do I call?

Luis won out. I called Luis, told him what happened, and he was on his way. Then I dialed 911. Which, now reflecting, I don't think I have ever done before. Kind of exciting!

While I was on with 911, Mom came down the stairs and into the kitchen in a towel, trying to figure out what was going on. Doesn't she watch the scary movies! The people in the towels ALWAYS DIE FIRST!

"Mom! The police are on their way, go back upstairs, and get some clothes on!"

She went back upstairs, and 911 told me that a patrol car was on its way, so I hung up, rummaged around for the next sharpest, scariest knife we owned, and searched the house.

In retrospect, I know, that wasn't the safest thing to do. I don't know why my thoughts were so clear on what stupid people that get murdered in movies are wearing, but not on what they are doing when they get murdered. So yes, I went to investigate the house, hobbling from room to room, dragging along all my stupid tubing that I still have coming out of my body from the surgery.

As I rounded the corner back into the kitchen with my knife held out in front of me threateningly, I stopped. There, in the doorway, crouched two men with big black guns, which were trained on my head.

I breathed a sigh of relief. They had uniforms on. The police were here.

"Hi! I live here!" I waved at them and them and smiled. "I am supposed to be here!"

Mom, now with clothes on, walked into the kitchen at that moment. I pulled her to me. "And she is my mom!"

They lowered their guns.

"Will you please step outside while we secure the house," said the hot one.

Sure, Officer Hot Stuff. Whatever you want.

Remember, at this time I have not entered the bathroom since I woke up. I have not brushed my teeth, I have dried boogers rimming my nostrils, and I have dried drool on my chin. I also have no hair, and a really big, ugly teeshirt on. But I flash him my most winning smile anyway, and mom and I go outside.

At this moment, Luis ran up the driveway (the police cruiser had blocked him from pulling up next to the house) and gives my right side a big hug. "Are you guys okay?"

I nod, and my mom says we're fine, and I start explaining what happened when the officers came back out.

"No one is inside. As far as you know, was anything taken?" said the not-so-cute one.

I shook my head, "Our purses were right by the door, but I don't think they had time to grab anything. I think they heard my voice as soon as they broke the door, I guess they just ran."

So the officers explained that about 6 streets away there are a lot of people on Columbia St that are homeless, and if they need a fix, they just walk around these houses and see if anyone is home.

"But their were two cars in the driveway! And it's a Sunday!" I exclaimed.

"Well," said Officer Sidekick to Officer Hottie, "it was a pretty ballsy break-in. But when you are an addict, you aren't that logical."

I mean, considering NO ONE had been home for the last four days, it was pretty coincidental that they picked the first day we were home to break in. My husband had used my car while I was at the hospital, so there had always been his car in the driveway behind the house. We always draw our shades so no one can see our computers and TV, but, I guess some people are desperate!

After Officer Babe-alicious and Office Sidekick left, we cleaned up, called our landlord who is installing a new door today, and drank some tea.

The adrenaline, which had masked the pain, wore off, and the vidocin, which is just kicking in, is making it a little hard to concentrate enough to finish this post with a cute conclusion. However, we are all safe and sound, going to curl up on the couch with some more tea.

I couldn't help but remind Luis that if Chomsky had been here, he would have scared the breaker-iners away! And I am proud to say, I did get a concession there. Score one for getting a dog!

First day of Chemo was a tornado.

First day home from hospital was a break in.

Wanna place bets on what happens next?

2009-04-17T05:46:00.000-07:00

It’s over.

Phew.

And like chemo, it isn’t as bad as I thought it would be!

Because my doctor made me get my PET scan the day before, and I thought it was scheduled for Monday, I fasted Sunday for the PET scan I didn’t have. I fasted Monday for the PET scan I did have, and I fasted Tuesday for my surgery. By Wednesday morning, I was HUNGRY! And like my husband, being hungry definitely makes me not such a fun person to be around.

My mom flew in at 11 am from Hawaii nei, but the plane was a little late, she had to wait for luggage, get a rental car, and drive 40 miles to Allen Presby (the hospital). I almost didn’t see her before surgery, and they had already juiced me up with some stuff to put me in a happy place when she flew into my hospital room, gave me a hug, and I was wheeled off.

Apparently, before I left with the anesthesiologist, we were making small talk and I said that the drugs were putting me in a great mood! Dr. Sanchez, the anesthesiologist said something about the drugs being like a margarita mix.

While he was saying that, I slipped into my “Dumb and Dumber” mental state, and I demanded to know how much liver damage the margarita mix was going to cause. My mother said that no one in the room had any idea what I was talking about; until someone made the connection that I thought that the anesthesia was real margarita mix. And that was my cue to be wheeled off-stage to the OR.

Now I was out (obviously), but things took a lot longer than they were supposed to (5 hours rather than 3), so Luis and Mom were pacing and anxious. The chemo had made everything that my breast surgeon wanted to take out clump and get sticky to the stuff she wanted to leave in. I also had the lymph nodes above my collar bone removed to be checked out, which added some time as well. However, I didn’t loose a lot of blood, she took good margins as far as she knows, and hopefully the path and PET scan come out very positively.

So as soon as I came to with the nurses in recovery, I vomited all over the place. Operating rooms need to be kept cold, and along with the effects of the anesthesia I was shaking pretty bad, and tensing up after surgery is not a good thing, so the demerol they gave me stopped the shakes but I emptied whatever was in my tummy.

And I continued to empty my tummy for the rest of the night, which SUCKED, because nothing makes your throat sorer than non-stop barfing coupled with intubation during surgery. Mom slept at the hospital with me because Luis had to teach yesterday, and I continue to swear there is nothing better than your mom when you are sick.

Honestly, the vomiting is worse than the pain from the surgery, which feels like I was attacked by about 20 wasps that stung the crap out of my boob and my armpit. They are very liberal with the pain meds, and make sure I always have my morphine pump at my disposal.

So the nurses finally gave me some anti-nausea meds, and yesterday at 3pm I was able to keep down a cup of chicken noodle soup. I was very proud of myself. Because my mom had flown in on the red eye and was up with me being sick the night after, she took off during the day to crash out at my place in Dallas. Luis had classes yesterday (and his students baked me chocolate chip cookies!!!!), so his closest comrade, Alberto kept my company during the day, and we just laughed and made fun of everything and took naps.

Luis came back that afternoon, brought me Thai food, and we tried to watch two HORRIBLE movies. The first was Australia. It was so weird, because it is set up like this big epic classic, and then is actually like a slapstick melodramatic badly written comedy.

So we turned that off and inserted 7 Pounds, and after two hours we still had NO CLUE what was going on.

I love the show House, and my critical thinking skills honed by watching that medical mystery show were actually put to use by myself in a hospital! I am so proud of myself and my medical sleuthing abilities!

I realized that every time the nurses had been taking my temperature, which always read normal, I had been munching on ice chips! Yes! Ice chips!

Using my powers of deduction, dear Watson, I realized that I had a fever because the ice was actually lowering my temperature to a false normal! I had to beg the nurses to retake my temperature with an ice cube free mouth, and low and behold: fever. I should seriously have my own TV show.

Not sure if I will be out of here tonight or not, depends on how serious the infection (or whatever I have) is, but if that means I get to keep my morphine pump a little longer, that is fine with me!

I have been receiving HUNDREDS of amazing and lovely notes from people. Thank you all so much for your kind support and wishes of aloha. I nap a lot during the day, but my cell phone works if you want to call (although my morphine conversations are a bit slow and I get confused easily) and I will be on email later on. I love you all so much, and I wish that I could be closer to you all.

I can't get away from Tornados . . . :(

2009-04-10T08:19:00.000-07:00

When I planned this trip to Arkansas, rather than zooming there on Interstate 30, Luis and I decided to travel there through a byway, Talimena Scenic Byway.

Unfortunately, one of the towns we were going to drive through to get there, was flattened by a tornado last night and three people were killed.

I am glad it was on CNN, as I will bring some canned goods in the car and a blanket . . . not sure what the rescue operations are going to be like, but just in case someone needs something . .

Okay, gonna get ready to go! Will have my cell phone if anyone needs me.

Roadtrip with my hubby and my tata

2009-04-09T18:41:00.000-07:00

So left boob. It is my last weekend with you.

I would have loved to go somewhere and give you a tan, but instead I am going to save money and go to Hot Springs, Arkansas (See photo) instead. You will still be pampered (baths in luscious warm mineral waters), but it is more of a subdued last hurrah!

I am still not sure how I feel about loosing my breast.

Part of me doesn't give a shit. My ass was always a better asset (no pun intended) than my breasts. I hated them anyway, part of getting teased mercilessly in middle school for being flat chested(and even in high school by the HPA student-body president for Christ's sake). I think that is why I like Latin America. The "bunda" is so much sexier there than boobs. My figure gets much more attention there than in the states.

However, part of me is a little upset. Not because I am going to feel butchered or disfigured, but just in general about the betrayal of my own body. It is an like a subconcious/unconscious suicide.

I don't understand why the definition of amputee only is for the limbs, and excludes woman who loose their breasts. I think while maybe physically not as limiting, it is a huge psychological loss for the female identity. Gotta petition Webster about that.

So what happens after this?

Not sure. Depends on the pathology report from the surgery.

One of the hardest parts about this is not being in control of your future. And I know all the bullshit about, "Well, you never know when you might be in a car accident." But that knowledge that a freak accident might occur doesn't really steal planning for your future away from you, does it? People still apply to college, have kids, raise ferrets ( I know that was random, but that is what popped into my head).

I am a big dreamer, I love to plan (everyone knows I always have Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, Plan D all mapped out and ready for implementation or modification. Planning for the future keeps me going and happy and passionate.

And that has been taken from me. I could barely plan a weekend for my husband and me, and that was almost thwarted by my stupid blood counts.

I have been relegated to the present, and only to the present. I know that is some sort of state of nirvana, living in the now a major achievement, blah blah blah, but I want to plan! I want to work at a job! I want to travel on a cheap weekend fare! I want to see my friends when I want to! I want to have a cold beer cause it is hot outside! I want to take a nap because I want to, not because I need to!

Okay, enough Dana.

Positivity needed. Laughter needed. Oh! Which reminds me! The Office is on tonight! Gonna dish up some dinner and see what Michael Scott does next. Remember:

‘If you don’t know a Michael Scott, then you are a Michael Scott."

Party!

2009-04-06T17:06:00.000-07:00

I had the BEST Ta Ta Party!!

I wish it had been longer, that we had more silverware, and that it was Saturday night so people didn't have the next workday nagging at them, but it was so great to have such a wonderful turnout. I think every single person I invited showed up!

The best part is all the leftovers of all the amazing international food that people cooked and brought over. I have lost my appetite these past couple days. It isn't that food grosses me out, I just don't even think about it because I don't get hungry. And because I am lazy, if I am not hungry, I am certainly not going to waste time cooking and eating. But now I have Tupperware containers just brimming with all sorts of yumminess, so I will be stocked until my dear mom gets here and cooks me up a storm.

I was so happy to see Neecy again. She has grown so much, is verbalizing, and is so social and well-adjusted. During the couple months I had her, she was very clingy to adults she knew and didn't play very much with children and now she just bopped between the kids various adults at the party, getting all of them them to feed her sweets. Her grandparents (who are Luis's age) have done an amazing job of raising her. It looks like her mom probably won't be in a position to take over the parenting for a while, but she is thriving, absolutely thriving where she is.

Anyways, it was just wonderful. I haven't been around that many people since election night, and since I worked, everyone left just as I arrived and well, it was phenomenal. Really boosted my mood and outlook. I wish I had photos, but I was too busy to take them!

My friend Carla sent me one with her iPhone (I am so jealous of people who have iPhones). I think I look like a sick cancer patient, but gonna post it anyway ;)

Note to self: apply POWDER not only to face but ALL over bare scalp if under bright lighting!

Ta Ta to my TATA!

2009-04-04T09:42:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my "Ta Ta to my Tata Party" (title inspired by Shuryn's support of breast cancer during Saint Patty's)

Since most of the time I can't leave the house, or alternatively I am feeling to sick to my tummy to leave the house, this is my first big gathering since our Election Party!

I am very excited because it is potluck. I do need to make something, but I love seeing what people bring. We went to a departmental party that was potluck, and I couldn't stop eating. Since I am not drinking, that is going to be my main pleasure. I am going to supply a yummy cheese plate, so I think I am going to go to our Dallas Cheese Shop, Scardello's, and go wild. I am also excited because Neecy (the little girl I fostered for several months last year) is coming, and I haven't seen her since Christmas!

I was thinking about popping a Vicodin (martini effect sans the martini), but it makes me pretty simple. I can only focus on one thing at a time, and that makes for a crappy hostess.

My medical update is quite boring:

My red blood cells are hovering at "you almost need a transfusion" level. Not enough of them to get oxygen to my body.

Which is really annoying because if I talk on the phone, I have to yawn every 30 seconds to get enough air for my body, and then the person that I am talking to thinks I am tired, which I am not, but I am getting more and more annoyed at myself, which makes me want to hang up the phone anyway.

My platelets are low. Haven't had to deal with low platelets before. I was at 56 on Wednesday, 40 Thursday, and 36 Yesterday. I need my platelets to at LEAST 100 before my surgery, and probably higher. Normal is 140.

If it keeps dropping, around 20, I have a chance of spontaneous bleeding.
Which might result in bleeding from my eyes.

Which is one step to getting canonized, right? All I would need is a couple of miracles, intercede with God couple times on behalf of the some people and then I could be a Saint! Ha! Could be an interesting experience.

I wanted to hit yard sales today but I have such intense bone pain I think I might have to take a vicodin, which means that I can't drive (did it once, not a positive experience), which means I can't go to yard sales. Catch-22. Sucks.

What did people call Catch-22 situations before the book came out?

Things to make you smile . . . or scratch your head

2009-03-30T20:39:00.001-07:00

First, I want to say that I am sorry my last post was so depressing, but sometimes a girl has just gotta blow off some steam!

And I have just learned how to Andy Warholize photos on photoshop. It took me two days. Ha!

I have my surgery scheduled for April 15th at 1pm. My mom is flying in that morning from Hawaii. I will stay in the hospital for one to two days, and I get my very own morphine pump! Yay!

Here are some amusing funny things that I came across:

Is this not the COOLEST Light bulb?

It is totally my style.

FunFact: Gary Leon Hill's book (below) won the 2005 Bookseller/Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the year. I want to order it just to have it on my book shelf.

All of these found at The Book of Joe!

And last but not least, is this ad disturbing to you? I saw it for the first time. It is kind of funny, especially where the oven begs the employee to "put it in me"

2009-03-28T14:29:00.000-07:00

Imagine yourself lying on a bed.

Then imagine that you just completed a 10 mile hike with a 70lb pack and you are just exhausted and can't get up.

Now throw in a stomach virus where even the mere thought of edibles makes your stomach clench painfully and threaten to expel the nothingness that is in your belly.

Now throw in a hangover that just makes everything ache and the daylight feels like razorblades to your eyes.

And then for the fun of it, add some bone pain, so no matter how you try to lie down to just wish yourself oblivion, you can't get comfortable.

Now throw in the fact that you have something in your body trying its darndest to kill you.

Now try to be positive.

Welcome to my world!

Don't worry folks. I am very positive. I am young, healthy (well, besides the 9cm tumor), I have an amazing husband, and so much support!

But, the enormity of what I am facing really hits me sometimes. I keep reading about all these poor women who had a lumpectomy. A LUMPECTOMY!!??? A small little wad taken out of your breast? And they are upset because their breast now has a dimple?

One nurse last week asked me if I saw Christina Applegate on Letterman this week. I did. But I didn't care.

Well, that isn't true. I feel bad for Christina Applegate for her double mastectomy, but I feel bad in the way I feel sorry for someone for breaking their pinkie finger, or loosing their wallet and having to cancel their credit cards, or for missing their flight because they were at the airport bar and missed the final boarding call.

I don't see her vomiting her guts out, loosing her hair, knowing she might never have her own children. NOT BEING ABLE TO PLAN ANYTHING because you can't have a "long-term plan" until you know you have a "long term." Statistically, I have 70% chance of having of a medium-term plan and a 57% chance of a long-term plan. Ms. Applegate is running around looking gorgeous and going on with her life and has her own TV show and she didn't have to stop working or dating or going outside because she might catch a cold that puts her in the hospital.

Oh I know . . . stop complaining Dana! I am just jealous:) It could be worse. A lot worse.

- I could develop a life time allergy to alcohol and never ever be able to enjoy a cold beer again
- My cats could wander off and be hit by a car
- I could be totally depressed and have to be zonked out on tranquilizers
- My husband could get a job somewhere cold and miserable like Fargo (bless their souls)
- I could get my arm bitten off by a shark
- I could walk through a time warp and have to go back to middle school

Oh, I could go on and on, plenty of situations I would not trade mine for . . . especially the middle school one.

Garlic Ice Cream and my Brazilian Mom

2009-03-20T09:29:00.001-07:00

Luis has been doing much of the cooking since I was diagnosed. First, I wasn't in the mood, domesticated tasks seemed to be a waste of time, and a diet of Girl Scout Thin Mints was fine with me! And after chemo started, I couldn't smell anything cooking without wanting to stick my head in the porcelain bowl.

But yesterday I decided to cook. Luis had great news at work, and I thought it would fun to treat him, so I made Fennel Rubbed Pork Loin with Roasted Fennel Wedges and a Arugula Salad with Lemon Parmesan Dressing. Yummy!

I went to the store, and while I was shopping in the produce section, a Kroger employee walked up to me, asked me if I needed anything, and then proceeded to help me around the store, went through my shopping list, and got everything I needed. This is the first time I have gone shopping bald and alone, which I guess makes me look like I need help, but I am not gonna complain! I hate shopping, so if someone wants to help out, I am not gonna stop them.

When I was in Brazil for my semester abroad, I lived with a lady named Mariana Cantanhede. She was a psychoanalyst, really cool, loved movies, and did Tai Chi every morning at the Ponto do Arpoador (her apartment was in the perfect location between Ipanema and Copacabana). The Point where I lived (and where she did Tai Chi) is pictured below. I have never had a better homestay experience in my life. Marce and Ellie will remember her when they came to visit over Thanksgiving in 2001. She was the uber-cool grandma figure that everyone really wants.

Anyway, point is, her daughter just wrote me to tell me that she passed away. I am bummed because I didn't make the effort to see her when I was in Brazil last, but she knew I cared for her a lot. I don't even think I have a photo of her, but I will try to dig some up.

Okay, my last weekend before chemo, so I am going to live it up and pork out! My goal is to make a batch of homemade ice cream. My first batch (cantaloupe coconut) coconut failed, so I am going to try again tomorrow. I think the base was wrong, but I am going to try another flavor.

I actually like savory ice creams a lot, garlic is one of my favorite, so I might go that route. Here is a link to a recipe I might try from the Gilroy Garlic Fest (which of course I was lucky enough to attend). Imagine driving toward the festival, and 8 miles before you get there, you can smell the garlic cooking! They even had garlic wine, which just tasted like an alcoholic version of the ice cream. Now we're talking!

On a bus

2009-03-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

Generate your own slogan here
(by way of Book of Joe)

missing Hawaii . . .

2009-03-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

Mom left yesterday back to Hawaii. I am so bummed, I wish I could go with her. Nothing would make me happier than a day at A-bay or paddle boarding or just eating really hot malasadas on a rainy day in Honokaa from Tex's.

I have been really behind on emails and getting back to phone calls. I have had such wonderful lovely messages from people, especially people I havn't heard from in ages, and all these wonderful gifts in the mail. We have a friend that lives on a farm in Oregon (a real farm with a wood stove that heats their house and all sorts of animals and getting up at 5:30 am every day) and she sent me all these delicious homemade jams and applebutter. I also got an aloha carepackge filled with all these aloha print and themed headscarves! I hate saying it, but cancer is better than Christmas!

A couple cool things about cancer and chemo

- chemo kills fast growing cells like zit cells, so your complexion totally clears up! I have not had a blackhead or zit in a month and a half!

- "I'm sorry officer for speeding, but I'm late to my chemotherapy appointment" has a great chance of working!

- You have an excuse to watch TV all day

- people you haven't made the effort to talk to in years besides a random wall-post or mass email actually make the effort and write you wonderful sweet messages! It is great to catch up!

Okay, I promised my husband I would get out more and walk a bit, and since it is 75 and breezy, i don't have any excuse. Gonna download the NYT podcast and move my skinny bony butt around the block.

3 chemo treatments down!

2009-03-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

Well, the chemo is catching up with me I think. After my last chemo session I felt like I had just run a marathon. I am really tired all the time. Spending half an hour on my computer is exhausting. Medical bills are rolling in. My cat has a urinary infection. It won't stop raining. So, I just haven't been able to summon the energy to post.

Two weekends ago, my mom, who has been staying with us, took a little trip to visit to grandparents in Abilene, so Luis and I went out on a date night to see the movie Coraline. Since the weather was warm, I decided to go bald! It was fun, I put on makeup (which I never do) to accent my eyes. I wanted to dress casual and subdued, but for some reason all dark tee-shirts make my look like a Neo-Nazi, so I got girled up in a nice blouse.

People stared. Especially the 13-year-old mall rat group. However, a lot of people, particularly older women, smiled, because I think that as you get older more people identify with the disease.

We then went to PF Chang's for lettuce wraps and Asian fusion food. It was delicious, and it was wonderful going to eat in a restaurant like a normal person with my husband. I almost forgot I had cancer!
So I met with a plastic surgeon yesterday to decide what kind of reconstruction options I have. Because of the extent of my cancer, I will have to have radiation to my chest wall (post-mastectomy) and likely to my neck. This means that I cannot have an implant. Since radiation changes your skin so much, implants heal horribly, and sometimes the skin pulls the breast so that it is facing the wrong way, like under your armpit. And plastic surgeons don't want to touch you for any other kinds of reconstruction options until at least a year after radiation and your skin settles.

There are some other options for me that don't include implants, like taking the skin and fat from your back and stomach and creating a breast from that. Unfortunately, I have lost too much weight for that now, but perhaps I can pork out on pizza and milkshakes for a year and they can use that fat and then give me a tummy tuck at the same time!

My main choice right now is whether or not to put in an expander, which is slipped under the muscle and inflated with fluid through a tube to create a "breast mound." If I were to have implants, this would be replaced by an implant later. However, there can be a lot of complications due to expanders, especially with a compromised immune system like a chemo patient, where I can get infections etc.

So if I don't put in the expander, I have to be completely flat on that side for at least a year and a half, maybe more.

Which initially seems okay, but psychologically it will be difficult. Bathing suits won't ever fit for a year and a half. And I will always have to wear a bra so I can have a falsie in it, which I hate. I love those tank top bra things, and stopped wearing bras as much as possible these last couple years, so that is a bigger lifestyle change than you would expect. Or I will just have to get used to more people staring at my tits trying to figure out why I only have one boob.

But I think that is what I am going to do. No expander, and just deal with the reconstruction later.

Okay, so in the noncancer part of my life (there doens't seem to be much of that anymore), did anyone see the Jon Stewart's Smackdown of Jim Cramer/CNBC last night? It was wonderful.

My mom and I have been looking into DCA as a cancer treatment. Here is some info those who don't know anything about it

A cure for cancer found, but it won't make enough money, so I'll never see it.
Please don't let Glen Beck turn you off, for once he is talking about something important.

Fight Breast Cancer with Humor

2009-03-06T11:55:00.000-08:00

Quick note before my daily nap :)

I went to a Breast Cancer Conference that was in Dallas (thanks Kenji and Michelle for the heads up about, by the way) and I met lots of amazing young women there. Everyone seemed to have a cute T-shirt! Here are some I saw!

We actually saw a really cute one that I girl made for herself (I take no credit for the idea), and it didn't seem to be the kind under copyright, so I recreated it on Zazzle.

Okay, nap time!

Surgery is Scheduled!

2009-03-05T17:00:00.000-08:00

So my tumor is now operable! I met with the breast surgeon a couple days ago, and it seems like now instead of just being this spongy mass that takes up two thirds of my boob, it is now a removable, albeit still a large, mass! So I will have a left mastectomy to remove everything, and reconstruction much later down the road after chemo and radiation.

Strangely, my cancer case is very unusual. I am so young, it is such an aggressive cancer, and it is so advanced. Dr. Khanny Baby (how my family refers to all doctors, with a diminutive "y" and then "Baby" at the end) says, "I defy protocol," and he presented me at a Dallas area Tumor Board to get more opinions. Not quite sure what was said as I won't see him until next week, but my surgeon was there and I met with her later on in the day after the presentation of my case.

As you might remember, I had/have cancer up into my neck in my lymph nodes. Dr. Iyengar, my surgeon, explained that in the old cancer diagnostic, cancer in the lymph nodes at the number 5 position was considered Stage IV. That has been revamped recently, and cancer at the lymph nodes at position 7 is Stage IV. See this beautiful chart below:)

As I mentioned in my previous post, the number 7 is no longer palpable, but that doesn't mean that cancer cells still aren't in there. I can still feel the enlarged lymph node at position number 5.

Then this is what she said that got me: "Our goal with Stage IV cancer is to prolong life, not to cure you."

WTF? I was kind of pissed, but then I did some research and I found she is right(from cancer.org):

Stage IV cancers have spread beyond the breast and lymph nodes (lymph nodes under the arm) to other parts of the body. While surgery and/or radiation may be useful in some situations, they are very unlikely to cure these cancers, so systemic therapy is the main treatment. Radiation therapy and/or surgery may also be used in certain situations, such as to treat a small number of metastases in a certain area, to prevent bone fractures or blockage in the liver, or to provide relief of pain or other symptoms. If your doctor recommends such local treatments, it is important that you understand their goal -- whether it is to try to cure the cancer or to prevent or treat symptoms.

Later she mentioned that we were going to treat me as a Stage III cancer patient, which made me feel a little bit better. I think that because the metastasis is still lymphatic in nature, so they can do radiation on my neck and breast (although sometimes it causes 2nd and 3rd degree burns! Ouch!) after more systemic treatment of chemo (taxol) and hope that takes care of it.

However, this comment made me realize, and this is probably a good thing, was that I am going to be dealing with this my entire life. What a pain in the ass!

Okay, so for those who care, this is my treatment schedule!

March: Chemo
April: Surgery
May-August: Chemo
September: Radiation
Then TWO YEARS of Herceptin (blah!)

I have had two chemo sessions, and interestingly enough, my tumor hasn't shrunk much since my first one. However, my lymph node under my arm has gone from 2 cm to .5 cm. Yippie!

Now my question was, why did it work so well at first, and not now? And I got some interesting answers:

Tumors aren't composed of one kind of cell. It could be that all cancer cells of a certain characteristic shrunk, and the other cells are taking longer to respond, or will only respond to another kind of drug.

Or the chemo could be killing the cancer cells, but the tumor doesn't shrink, it is just stuck there as a massive lump of dead cells.

The chemo can affect the tumor in different ways, killing the tumor like peeling layers off an onion, or it can also bore holes into it like Swiss cheese. The tumor looks like it isn't shrinking, but its mass is decreasing and it is become very "holey."

They won't know ANY of this until they remove it during surgery and the pathologist can take a look at it.

Sorry if this blog wasn't as entertaining, but there was a lot to digest this week. My WBC count sucks and won't get above 1.2, so I am stuck inside, watching TV this week.

However, I was blessed with a two-hour special of 24, three nights of American idol, and a great episode of Lost where Sawyer was on 80% of the time. Someone up there loves me :)

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Demi? Britanny? Natalie?

2009-03-02T18:03:00.000-08:00

So it was time.

19 days after my first chemo therapy treatment, my hair refused to stay in my head.

It was falling into my plate at dinner, coating my shoulders if I went out, and if I just pulled at it, tufts would come out into my hand.

It was gross.

So we decided it was time, and yesterday we shaved my head.

Enjoy!

Gifts

2009-02-28T10:08:00.000-08:00

People have made some incredible gestures that I have found so moving since I have been diagnosed.

Sweet Gesture 1
Most of you know that I spent part of my senior year in Brazil attending PUC in Rio de Janeiro.
A friend of my mothers lives down there, Kdu, and he took incredible care of me during my stay (got me a cell phone, made sure I was situated), and when Paul and I went down a couple of years ago, he let us stay in his apartment right on the lagoon. Here are some pics:

He sent a very sweet email to my mother letting her know that he had gone to his candomble priest about my situation. Now, Kdu (the gentleman), is Catholic, but Brazil is much like Hawaii where people can be very Christian but have no problem bringing Pele an offering. It isn't really contradictory actions or beliefs, more, complementary or parallel. For some reason, the Catholicism and Hawaiian polytheism don't really get in each other's way, and so it is in Brazil with Catholicism (or Evangelicalism) and Candomble. The general consensus in both cultures is: Might as well cover all your bases, right?

So his candomble priest spoke to the orixas (a type of spirit), and the orixas say that everything is gonna be alright with me:) Here is a candomble ceremony for those of you who are interested:

Sweet Guesture 2
A girlfriends mom wrote me an email and told me that she had send me a priority package fromwhen I opened it up it was a beautiful handmade wreath made from plants that grow in my hometown, Hawaii. It arrived right after my chemotherapy treatment, and Waimea! She had driven up to my old house, along Saddle Road, and even got plants from Lalamilo Farmlots and created a beautiful wreath. It is amazing, because my town is very wet and very rainforesty, and Waimea just has a certain smell, which I now have had delivered direct to my home in freezing Texas!

Here is a picture of it hanging up in my kitchen:
3rd Gesture, last, but DEFINITELY NOT THE LEAST:

Ed Akman, his wife Wendy, relatives and Kathy Peterson (who sold my parents their house in Russell, NZ) made me amazing music video, with an original song and lyrics! Ed wrote the words and played the music, and it is an exquisite homage to my optimism and love of vicodin! I laughed so hard and I wanted to share their original song with you. Please enjoy!

The Dog

2009-02-25T17:15:00.001-08:00

So in the beginning of January I rescued a dog.

Seemingly off topic, I know, but as I feel like vomiting (had chemo yesterday) and every time I reach up to scratch my head my hair sprinkles all over my desk, I thought I would focus on this.

Ever since we got to Texas I have been searching on Craigslist for a dog. I think it got started after I read Marley and Me. I never really even thought about a dog before. Luis hates dogs, so the looking wasn't serious, but I was just seeing what was out there.

I was going through the listings (95% are pitbull or pitbull mixes) and I saw a rescue group that raised funds and did other such things. Since Luis wouldn't allow me a dog (the stink, demand to much attention, we already have two cats, etc etc) I thought that was a way I could be involved with canines.

I then got a list of dogs that were going to be euthanized THAT afternoon at Irving Shelter at 5:00 pm. While on Craigslist, I had seen a lot of people that acting as foster homes for dogs to give them a little more time, so I decided to give it a try. Next thing I knew, I had Chomsky.

Chomsky had been found at a construction site tangled up in a bunch of wire. He was brought to the pound and was there for three weeks, but the shelters fill fast, and it was his turn.

I brought him home and adored him. Luis had been gone for weeks with different conferences, a trip home to see his family, and it really made my day to have someone(thing) that was always waiting for me, always happy to see me, and always up to hang out when I wanted to, or content to chill out when I didn't. I love my cats, but it isn't as so they act completely stoked to see me every morning.

So I got used to having a dog. Luis came home, and didn't kill me after I promised it was temporary, but then I posted him up on Craigslist, and all the people the contacted me were kind of nuts or wanted a 50 lbs dog in a studio apartment or wanted a really aggressive dog, which he is not.

And then I got my diagnosis, and then mom came, and now I had pressure from two sides to get rid of him quickly (I was taking my time because I enjoyed Chomsky so much), so I posted him to Craigslist again, and got an overwhelming response, and it three days, Chomsky was with a new family. I am bummed out because I miss always having someone to snuggle with on the sofa and having someone who doesn't care if I shower or not, but Luis enjoys me much more because I don't smell like dog, and I am happy because Chomsky is going to much happier in a home with a yard.

So anyway, here are some photos of me and Chomsky.

A Friends Son and Chomsky

Everything Hurts! Makes me want to break something!

2009-02-22T16:45:00.000-08:00

I have luckily never been afflicted with back pain, migraines, or any of those chronic really painful problems. This is my first bout with constant pain.

I had said in my blog before I was taking shots of Nuelasta. I misspoke. They were shots of Nuepogen (vs. Nuelasta) to boost WBC production. Neupogen also causes bone pain. I mean, hard core bone pain. Since it isn't joint pain, but an actual ache coming from the depths of your bones, and the bigger the bone, the more the ache.

Lower back, femur, pelvic bones, the big bones in your back called the scapula (just learned that term for this post), and they all ache and if you get up to fast or move to quickly throb like you had a heart of pain pulsing in each one of them. And then this big wave of pain screams up your spine and sinks its claws into the back of your head causing a massive headache that won't let go and you just want to fall to the floor.

And listen, I am not a sissy. I ran cross-country for gods sake, I can take a lot of pain over extended periods of time. But this is a whole new thing. This wakes me up at night and I feel like I was involved in a serious car accident where I was hit from the side and all the airbags went off and everything just hurts. It makes me want to be mean to everyone I come in contact with so they can share in my misery and feel like shit too. Doesn't that make you want to come visit me:)?

I get the shots in the morning and the pain doesn't hit me until the evening, where I crawl up to my mom's bed and moan until she gets me a vicodin. Hot baths seem to help, so I am taking advantage, regressing to my childhood, adding bubbles, and I make my mom read to me (she is reading Fluke).

The vicodin is amazing, I take it, and 20 minutes later there is a complete cessation of pain and a slight feeling of euphoria. Since I can't drink wine, it is a great substitute. I heard it was a narcotic, and I know that House loves it, so I looked up vicodin addiction on Google.

Vicodin addiction affects the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual aspects of a person's life. In addition, vicodin addiction can tear apart families, ruin relationships and leave lives in shambles without proper vicodin rehab. Many people who are addicted to vicodin want to stop but find that they are unable to live without the drug and must enter a rehabilitation center in order to stop. By understanding the devious nature of vicodin addiction, helping yourself or someone you love is a much easier task.

All well and good, but honestly, worth the risk to stop this pain.

my weekend as an invalid

2009-02-21T17:37:00.000-08:00

I went back today, and my WBC is still low: 1.6.

I can't get chemo on Monday unless I am a 5. Although I have a limited sample, the shot seems to double or triple my WBC. So I must go back tomorrow to get another shot. If it triples it, I am on for chemo. But if just doubles, I might have to put it off chemo until Tuesday. My hip bones hurt, but Vicodin Vicodin Vicodin!

Tuesday would be a bit better anyway. The Wogster (Paul, my bro) flies in from LA on Monday where he is filming a movie, and I know he is pumped to document my cancer experience (for posterity?), so at least I wont have my face in the toilet the WHOLE time he is here.

Many of you have commented on my upbeat attitude and such. It isn't hard because #1, I have an amazing husband, #2, my mom is here, and #3, I love my doctor, #4 I think it might be fun to get breast implants, and #5 gonna be an interesting experience I can draw upon later, and #6 I realized just how many wonderful people I know and everyone has been so incredibly sweet and supportive and great about getting in touch again.

So received a good suggestion. Since it is going to be very rough at points, and I am feeling happy now, make myself a pep talk video I can show myself later when I don't want to get out of bed, and feel all ugly and skinny and bald and that this is never gonna end and I just want to give up. I think it is a great idea! I will do it when Paul is here an post it up:)

My Aunt Michelle forwarded me an AMAZING SITE, and if ANY of you have family or friends with Breast Cancer, you need to take advantage of this, and when it is over, sponsor someone of your own. It is called www.CleaningForaReason.org.

From their site: Fighting cancer is difficult enough, but living with it is even tougher - and that's where the Cleaning for A Reason Foundation steps in. This newly formed nonprofit offers free professional housecleaning services to improve the lives of women undergoing treatment for cancer. FREE HOUSECLEANING SERVICE!! OMG I love the idea! I signed up, and will let you know how it goes!

I love news aggregators. I think the aggregator is the best thing ever, and I found a medical one that I really dig called Medical Cavity. So I scan it for articles on cancer and tumors, and they range from CNN and BBC articles to medical journals. Here are some that I found that are incredibly interesting to me.

Breast Cancer Biology Changing - BBC
Women are now more likely to have hormone-dependent, slow-growing tumours, a comparison of tissue samples from the 1980s and 1990s shows. Damn, not me, mine is EXACTLY the opposite!

'Normalizing' Tumor Vessels Leaves Cancer more Benign - Science Daily
Now this study blew my mind. Blood vessels to cancer are pretty retarded. All over the place, badly formed, and this starves them of oxygen. Which you might think is a good thing, right? However, as a tumor becomes more oxygen deprived, this spurs it to metastasize and go to other parts of the body. It also makes the chemo less efficient because it needs oxygen to perform. When the blood vessels were normalized in mice, that more regular vessel structure improved tumors' oxygen supply, leading to physiological changes that counteracted the overall malignancy of the cancer. Pretty interesting, huh?

Okay, gonna get some R&R. I'm keeping a close eye on my temp. It is at 99, and if it gets higher, I have to call my docs and go to the hospital. Sucks.

Under House Arrest

2009-02-20T16:12:00.000-08:00

Leukopenia. Ever heard of the word?

I certainly hadn't. But like rhinovirus is to the common cold, leukopenia is to low white blood cell count. For those of you who remember, white blood cells are made in bone marrow, which the chemo attacks because it divides quickly, so my white blood cell count goes down.

This might be a bit technical, but for those who are interested the normal range for WBC count is4.3 to 10.8 x 109 cells per liter.
So normal is 4.3-10.8.

I got tested last Tuesday and my WBC was at 3.8. I had mild leukopenia, so they gave me a shot of Neulasta, which boosts by WBC production.

It gives you mild bone pain, which makes your back ache like you have been on a 14 hour flight, but without the cool exotic vacation payoff at the end. But hey, any excuse to take a Vicodin, right?

When I came retested this Tuesday I had a WBC of 12. Booya! So I went back again today, all confident that my WBC would still be elevated, getting ready for an Oscar Par-tay this weekend . . . . .and man, I completely failed my test!

I scored a 0.8, which basically means I completely bottomed out and have to wear a SARS mask.

Pista, my cat, has been sneezing so he has to wear one as well.

So I am under house arrest. I have a bit of a sore throat, no WBCs to fight it, and I have to Purell my hands every two minutes.

No one can come near me, lest they infect me with not even a cold(rhinovirus;), but just normal bacteria on their hands which will lead to my spleen shutting down or something.

I even have to boil my toothbrush each night, but that could also be my mom being OC.

So, now that I have illegally or legally watched all Oscar nominated flicks besides Frozen River (you are all thinking to yourself, what movie was that?) and Changling (watching it tonight on a legal rental from blockbuster). I have settled back today and just watched other movies on my "to-see" list. I would normally watch TiVoed TV shows, but fricking Jon Stewart has been on vacation, no idea why my TiVo didn't record The Office, and my TiVo fizzed out on Monday night my for 24 and House. so I have to wait 8 days until those episodes appear online.

So I watched Towelhead. Has anyone seen this movie? Aaron Eckhart (who is one of the only blonds I think is just adorable), Toni Collette, and bunch of other people I sort of recognized. Great acting, but it made me so uncomfortable I almost fast forwarded scenes.

The actress is 19, but plays a 13 year old, and she looks like a 13 year old, and Aaron Eckhart plays, a man, who well, hits on her, and she flirts back, and things lead to things, and, well it really makes you squirm. A lot. It is obvious that the writer and director is the same of American Beauty.

I also have season 1&2 of the Tudors, which looks pretty hot. It is going to be hard to do better than Rome, but I am looking forward to it!

Back to the doctor tomorrow. Hope this shot works. If my WBC doesn't get back up, the my chemo dose will be modified or postponed, and I really need this baby to SHRINK!

Okay, back is killing. Where is my Vicodin?

Tea and Cancer and Giant Snowballs

2009-02-18T07:15:00.000-08:00

It was recommended to me to drink a tea brewed from red clover (see image at left if confused at Red Clover) to aid my cancer recovery. Red Clover is a pre-chemotherapy if you will, and according to Dioscorides, one of the most important figures in the history of Roman medicine, a plant called red clover may have been used in the treatment of certain forms of cancer. Red clover can aid the body to break down and to use—that is, to metabolize—certain proteins, and thus have a medical benefit. Over 33 cultures to this day use it as a cancer fighting agent. So I got the tea, brewed it, and started drinking it.

Just the other day I decided to do a bit more research and found this: Women being treated for breast cancer with the drug tamoxifen should avoid red clover because tamoxifen prevents estrogen from reaching a tumor, and phytoestrogenic compounds in red clover could undermine that action. In this case, it's possible red clover could feed, not starve, an estrogen-dependent breast tumor.

Oh shit. Was I feeding my tumor instead of starving it?

Upon re-reading it I realized I hadn't done myself harm, because the pathology of my tumor showed that its is NOT fed by estrogen or progesterone (hence the Er-Pr- of my diagnosis). However, I realized that no matter how alternative the remedy, I really need to do my research before I ingest.

Just to reiterate: Red Clover is NOT okay for 75% of breast cancers that are estrogen-receptor-positive or progesterone-receptor-positive. But it IS okay for me.

Yesterday I went to Central Market (which is like Whole Foods, but way BIGGER and Badder-ass), and I picked up some green tea. I know about the whole anti-oxidant thing, but my question was, how does green tea react with my type of chemotherapy? Again, I did my research, and I found an interesting study from School of Pharmaceutical Sciences, University of Shizuoka, Japan. FYI, Doxorubicin is the generic name of Adryimcin, the A in my Chemo Cocktail.

Biochemical modulation has played an important role in the development of cancer chemotherapy. We have directed our attention to the intake of common beverages and investigated the effects of green tea and tea components on the antitumor activity of doxorubicin. We carried out the combined treatment of toxorubicin and green tea on Ehrlich ascites carcinoma tumor-bearing mice. The oral administration of green tea enhanced 2.5-fold the inhibitory effects of doxorubicin on tumor growth. The Doxorubicin concentration in the tumor was increased by the combination of green tea with doxorubicin. In contrast, the increase in doxorubicin concentration was not observed in normal tissues after green tea combination. Furthermore, the enhancement of antitumor activity of doxorubicin induced by green tea was observed in M5076 ovarian sarcoma, which has low sensitivity to doxorubicin. These results suggest that drinking green tea can encourage cancer chemotherapy and may improve the quality of life of clinical patients.

Basically, Green Tea makes Adriamycin work 250% better, even in tumors that have a low sensitivity to it.

But then I wondered, will that make me sicker? If it makes the chemotherapy more effective in destroying quickly dividing cells, will it also kill the "good" quickly dividing cells 250% as well? From what I understand, the answer is no. When the cut the mice up to study the tissue, the concentration of the chemo therapy was not noted in normal tissue, just the tumor. I don't know if the specifically studied the normal tissue of hair follicles, but I am going to keep on researching.

Okay, away from the heavy stuff.

What am I reading? Yesterday I started An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England, and I am loving it! I am trying to read books that make me laugh and keep my mood light.

Amazon says: the quirkiest title for a book since Special Topics in Calamity Physics, Brock Clarke lights up the page with the chronicle of a man who, as a teenager, accidentally burned down the Emily Dickinson House in Amherst, Massachusetts, killing two people. ("It's probably enough to say that in the Massachusetts Mt. Rushmore of big gruesome tragedy, there are the Kennedys, and Lizzie Borden and her ax, and the burning witches at Salem, and then there's me.") After serving ten years in prison for the crime, Sam Pulsifer moves on with his life, but the emergence of a copycat who's turning New England's literary landmarks to ash puts Sam back in the spotlight and on a quest for the truth.

It's hysterical. I am really enjoying it, and it is very intellectually sophisticated, so not exactly mindless reading.

What am I watching? Giant Snowballs. I'll leave you with this. Enjoy.