big legs and thoughts on friends

The swelling in my feet got so bad I am going off taxotere and will replace it with another drug this week. I had 10lbs of water weight gain,which is pretty hectic. It always feels like you have sprained ankles. My legs were so full I couldn't even bend them. Today is the first day that I have seen my ankle bones, so I suspect in another month my lower limbs should be back to normal.

The reason why fluid retention is so dangerous is that you can retain fluid around you heart, which is obviously a hazard. Therefore I need to stop. I am bummed about this for several reasons.

• Taxotere did not make me want to vomit
  
• I knew what to expect. I have gotten into a chemo rhythm. I know how the treatments will affect me, I know how tired I would get (naps required for 4 days), when my taste buds would get back to normal (the second Sunday after my treatment). Now I have to start that "getting-to-know your side-effects" all over again.
• This chemo regime has been working. Will the next one? The only way you find out is if you don't get cancer after a couple months, or you do . . .
• I have one less weapon in my arsenal. One less thing that will keep me alive.
  

I have also been thinking about my friends. Ellie, my best friend from college, is getting married in November, and I am going to Japan for her wedding, so I have been thinking about my friendships over the last decade, and who has stayed in my life throughout that time.

This whole cancer thing has been an eye-opener as to who are my friends and who are people that have fallen into the outer circle, getting closer to the "we used to be friends when we were young" status, and the people that have moved from the "we used to be friends when we were young" to "I know I can count on this person in my present life." This changes happen of course as people move and go onto different chapters in their life. Cancer has just made it more obvious who is who.

I have had a lot of surges of wonderful email correspondences that had been tepid a year ago. People that I have not heard from for years have contacted me and been willing to share their lives with me. It has been wonderful. And I have had visits from people. I mean, if a cancer diagnosis doesn't make your friends want to see you just in case, than nothing will.

This isn't into guilt tripping people into coming to visit me. I am incredibly busy now, about to move, summer is over and people have less time anyway. Luis is working like a madman, and we barely have enough time and energy to socialize with our friends here. I just think it was interesting to see who actually thinks you are worth their precious weekend and a $350 ticket, when you can't offer much else other than your company.

It does sound like a guilt trip, doesn't it? He he he. I don't mean it to be, I think it is just an eye opener. It actually tells me where I am in people's priority list, and most importantly, WHERE THEY SHOULD BE IN MINE.

There is something that I think is the end of all relationships (amorous ones, I mean), and it is called the Gap (not the store). If you love someone more than they love you, or vice versa, there is a Gap, and the relationship is doomed. That difference in love causes a fissure that can cause chaos years down the line although it seems unimportant in present day. It makes people blind to obvious problems that were the relationship regarded equality would never have been allowed to progress.

Friendships aren't affected by that gap as much as relationships. If I like hanging out with you more than you like hanging out with me, our friendship isn't doomed. Might have some misunderstandings or uncomfortable moments coming our way, but it isn't that we can't be friends. But when I tick off my closest friends list, or people that I knew I could call with any problem, just needed to vent or needed a helping hand, this past year has definitely shown me who those people are and who they aren't. And shown me with whom I have a Gap. Informative for me.

So, in my experience, if there is someone that you haven't seen or haven't called, and they are someone you care about or would like to keep in your life, even finding out that they have Stage IV cancer isn't very likely to make you change your behavior. How much effort you will put into that relationship will have to come from within you, not a change in circumstance.

Food for thought. Anyone you think you ought to get in touch with?