OMG

My final chemotherapy was today!

Eyelashes and eyebrows are coming back!

I still have two more years of infusion treatments, and perhaps 5 more years of hormonal treatments if I decide to take tamoxifen, but chemotherapy is over.

I would like to address the subject of God.

I have met so many people, and received so many messages, about praying to God. In fact, many people can't believe I am so upbeat and positive and don't have God in my life. I received amazing gifts, rosaries, books, pictures of the Virgin of Guadeloupe; I cherish all of them because they mean so much to the people that gave them to me, and therefore have value to me.

I believe in "God," or at least something out there way bigger than us. I will use "God" as sort of the catch-all phrase for belief in a higher power.

I have a very non-traditional view of religion. I think humans are like ants. We see ants going about their lives, making babies, serving their queen, etc etc, but we don't expect ants to understand our problems about our cheating husbands, our kids with learning disabilities, wars, plagues, earthquakes, famine. We just know that ants can't wrap their minds around those concepts. Even if the ants wanted to, they couldn't.

And that is how I characterize our relationship with God. We are ants. There is something so much bigger than what is going on around us, that there is no way, no possible way, no matter how much I tried, I could wrap my tiny little brain around what is really going on out there in the metaphysical world. I just don't think we humans are near enough to god to understand.

Nor do I think it matters. I don't think God cares whether or not humans believe in him or not, or how they worship him. He has bigger fish to fry. His livelyhood doesn't depend on us. He would be in trouble if it did. Do I sincerely care if the ant comprehends Obama's health care bill or the earthquake in Haiti? Do those bigger issues affect the ant's life? No.

Do I have any evidence for this? No. But it is the view of God that I have constructed for myself, and it is just as valid as any religion. And just because there are only a few people that believe this, while millions believe in the Catholic or Muslim brand of religion, doesn't make mine less valid. Numbers do not translate to validity. I have just as much proof as you, i.e, no proof at all.

So I have LOTS of people telling my to pray to God. I sincerely think "God" (for simplicity's sake, we'll just keep calling him that), doesn't care if I have cancer or not.

He has WAY bigger shit to worry about. Like do you care if a bug in your yard has cancer? I mean, I suppose if you stopped your busy day to think about it, you would probably prefer that they beetle, spider, or cockroach, doesn't have cancer, but you aren't going to loose any sleep over it.

But I don't mind engaging those who are of the belief that prayer to God will make my cancer go away and never come back. So let's go!

Assumption 1: God is in control. If God were not in control, no point in telling me to pray because that means God has no affect on my cancer, because he is not in control. So, again, God controls all! ( Leaving the Devil out here, since I think the idea of the devil is just RIDICULOUS. )

So if God is in control, God gave me cancer in the first place, right? Or he let it happen, or whatever. Point is, the lord giveth, the lord taketh away. God is in control = God gave me cancer.

So if God gave it me cancer, there are two possibilities: there either is a reason for God to give me cancer, or there is no reason for God to give me cancer.

Let's deal with the latter first. If there is no reason, then me praying isn't going to do any good. God had his quota of 2,000 people to get cancer on January 14, 2009, my name popped up on the cancer lottery, and boom, my cells started multiplying out of control. Totally random Godness action.

If God gave me cancer for a reason (facing adversity, being an inspiration to my mom, etc), then me praying shouldn't have anything to do with cancer being treated and dealt with.

Unless you think that God gave me cancer so I could learn to pray to him (yes, I can feel you all nodding in agreement).

Definition of extort: wrest from an unwilling person by physical force, menace, duress, torture, or any undue or illegal exercise of power or ingenuity

That is extortion, pure and simple. In this hypothetical, God is EXTORTING me. He is doing something bad to me, until I worship him sufficiently, and then he will make me better. That is such a human thing to do, and a total projection of our weak characters onto God. God would not extort (well, maybe Old Testament God would). If God is extorting me, he can kill me right now because I don't want to play games with a mafia boss.

So anyway, that is why I don't pray to God. Under the assumption that God exists, praying to God just doesn't make sense. Unless you don't mind being extorted. Which I do.

I do think positively, I do think about how wonderful life is and all I cherish, I do hope. I have done everything in my power to change my lifestyle to an anti-cancer lifestyle. But I don't pray to God.

Note: I am not writing this post to start a discussion. I am writing this post to clarify my view point. Getting into a God discussion is going to be a big waste of time for me and you. However, after a year of receiving so many emails about how I need to pray, I thought you might be interested in my view point.